Dear Trevor, I am a 15 year old boy living in a religious home. My family does not support homosexuals / bisexuals in any way. I have known I am gay for almost 4 years now and I just want to come out to my parents so badly. But I am afraid of what their reaction may be. I recently had to leave someone I really liked at my church (a boy) because my parents found out about it and freaked out! Like they told me it was an abomination, disgusting, vile, etc. and hearing those things hurt really badly. They tried to fix me with 4 different counselors! All telling me that homosexuality is evil. Obviously, that doesnt make me feel better about myself. Being homeschooled, I feel isolated from everyone else in the world. I have a few friends at my church, but none I can come out to because they also reject homosexuality. I feel like I have no one to go to about this. My parents are going through a divorce right now and I honestly feel like I was the cause because of all the stress I cause to them. Also, my dad is extremely emotionally and mentally abusive, to the extent that I feel like I'm worthless almost constantly because he puts me down so much. Along with showing this unimaginable love to my 8 year old sister, I feel like he loves her so much more than me. I have never thought of suicide because I'm honest to god just scared of pain! Which to me, sounds kinda funny. But I feel so bad about myself, like I'm never good enough. And I can't come out because I feel like they'll treat me so badly or try to "fix" Me again and I can't take the stress of trying to change! I've tried so hard but I honestly can't. Is it possible to change my sexuality? If not, how do I get rid of this pain and loneliness from all the isolation and rejection my parents have caused me? They don't even know I have access to the Internet. They make sure I have no contact with anything in the outside world! How do I feel better about myself and how do I tell my parents, if I can't fix my sexuality, that I am gay and can't change without them completely going the whole nine yards on "fixing" me? Thank you for your Time, Austin.
Signed,
Austin, 15, Tampa FL

Hi Austin,

I'm so glad you reached out to The Trevor Project via Ask Trevor. We are here to listen and help, always. Never feel that you are alone. I understand that since you are home-schooled and that your oarents are limiting your acticitites with the outside word, and even the internet, that feeling alone, or different, is natural. However, you should know that being gay, or bisexual, is not wrong, and that there is nothing wrong with your feelings. There are many gay men and women living in the world who are leading normal, happy lives - you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. 

 

I'm sorry you had to leave someone you really liked at oyur church, a boy, because your family freaked out. That must have been very sad for you. Nothing is wrong with having feelings for a another boy. Many young gay people lead openly gay or bi-sexual lives. I'm sorry that is sounds like that might not be an easy think to do in your community. 

 

I'm very sorry to hear that your father is emotionally and mentally abusive. It must be very difficult that you feel your dad feels more love for your sister than for you. There is no excuse for that behavior, and no one deserves to be abused: evryone deserves to be safe and cared for. Have you thought of talking to another trusted adult? Perhaps someone outide of your family, or a neighbor? If you're not sure how a friend or another adult woudl react, you might bring up a TV show or movie that features gay characters, and see how they react to that. Do you have any trusted friends or family you feel comfortable talking to? It sounds that your parents are not accepting your feelings, so perhaps talking to them further about this is not the best approach. Do you have a friend or neighbor's house you can go to if you feel that your parents are angry and you feel unsafe? Having a safety plan is important. 

 

In Tampa, Check out this center: Metro Wellness and Community Center

http://www.metrotampabay.org/glbt-youth/

You can call them here: 

813-232-3808

In addition, you should always feel free to call  1866-4-U-TREVOR 24 hours a day, 7 days a eek if you feel like talking about anything, or have no one else to talk to. 

 

You can also check out trevorspace.org, even though your online access is limited - you can connect with other young bisexual, gay, questioning, and allied youth in a safe online forum. 

 

If you ever think about harming yourslef, you should call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.

 

Thank you for reaching out. It takes a lot of courage to express your feelings and be strong in opposition to many forces trying to chage you, so good for you. You are special, and you are perfect just the way you are, and The Trevor Project is always here for you.