I am a young adult who is pretty sure that he is bisexual but has an issue that is concerning me and would like to have some kind of feedback. A few nights ago I was with my brother, his girlfriend, my mom, and my grandmother and the topic in question was about my sexuality. My brother and my dad are still denying the fact that I am bisexual on the account that I do not see myself having intercourse with another man. I realize that bisexuality has a lot of definitions whether it's physical, sexual, or emotional feelings towards both genders even though you can prefer one gender over the other. His girlfriend mentioned that I may be hurting some people or insulting the bisexual culture since I don't seem to get the full picture of what bisexuality 'apparently' is. I really expected to have her be on my side if I decided to come out to her but knowing she is against me on this has really been disappointing. That makes me wonder because if sexuality (according to my family) is based on you knowing you are attracted to a gender if I've gone all the way with them, then according to them I must be 'asexual' so to speak. But I know I am not since I've had a few girlfriends and some emotional attraction to a few male friends of mine that I am open to dating if it is possible. Can I please have some clarification because I don't want to be lying to myself and others that I've come out to if I do not qualify as 'bisexual'.
Signed,
Austin, 18, Wilmington DE
HI Austin, Thank you for the insightful letter. Everyone goes through a process of discovery regarding their sexuality. From your letter, it sounds like you are on the right track. As you mentioned, sexual orientation involves physical, emotional and relational elements. Considering your attractions, your crushes, and your fantasies will help inform you. No one can dictate your sexuality. You have recognized attractions to both men and women. That is a great start. As you have sexual experiences, you will get a clearer understanding. But, lack of "going all the way" does not discount your orientation. Intercourse is not the only option of sexual expression. Austin, having questions about one's sexuality is a normal part of development. Many people believe that sexuality is fluid. That is, it can vacillate throughout one's life. There are also people that toss labels completely to the side of the road. "Love who you love" is their motto. On www.bisexual.org you'll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then "Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG" you can find information that may help. PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) “Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth” at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf can be of further help as you try to understand your sexual orientation/gender identity. Remember that there's no rush to figure this out. You are a very intelligent young man. Your openness and honesty will serve you. Remember, your feelings and attractions are a better gauge of your orientation than an outside criteria. While labels can be helpful, there are times when words do not fully express concepts completely. IF you feel stuck on a label, you could merely look at what you know. You know you have had girlfriends . You know you are open to dating men with whom you experience an emotinal bond. Those are very solid statements. IF you feel "BISEXUAL" describes your sexuality, do not allow someone else to disregard your conclusions. Sexuality is not always so black and white. There is a very broad range of human sexual expression. In your letter, you described your thoughts with a great sense of clarity. IF you fell comfortable, you can merely clarify your understanding of bisexuality and why you feel that is an accurate description of your orientation.