I am bharathi from Tamil Nadu,India. I was really good student during my college day I scored 87 percentage in bachelor degree. now I am preparing for my master degree entrance. It is confusing now. I had sex when I very young like 9 or 10 with the older guy. he just used me. I dont even know what was that at that age.After the during my 10th grade my classmate kissed in the lips, so we made out, after that he failed 10th grade.I did not see him for long time. during that i was attracted one guy his name is suresh we did not have any sexual contact but still I did most of the things to get his attention, he is good guy. one day during lunch my physics teacher extende his class for half an hour taking half of the lunch time and taught four to six page of atom theory and asked us to study and write it down without book if we want to go soon for lunch. At that time I was just average student but I wrote all that without studing by just listened.It took me 15 minutes write down the atom theory fully. I was the first person to come out class but suresh already finished his lunch and left. I was devastated that I did not have lunch I cried. I did not speak with after that.
I got into college and I was attracted to lovely person named Midhun. He is so kind. I did so much thing to get his attention. We become room mate.we enjoyed well but no sexual contact. we were very good friends. I knew he have girlfriend so I just get away from him. During final year he come to delhi for his all india tour I was there for my Internship. we met I had little time so I left early to my place So he got angry after that we are not in same page. I know I am gay so I dont want to ruin his life by drawing more his attention already his girlfriend is jealous so I decided to not to talk with him.
During end of final year I decided to go to canada for doing my higher studies and get permanent residents so that I could find a gay guy and fall in love and get married. but my degree is not quite eligible for master that i seeking so i decided to do masters in india and do phd in canada. I worried that I may not get to go Canada. my financial status is very poor. I am just confused will get to meet someone special or not.i dont know what to do. I cannot concentrate my prepration for my masters. I dont want to fall in another guy who will not love me as much as i love him. I could not sleep for last month i feel like i cant breath anymore. my thoughts are towads sucide. i am so down. I dont want to sucide i have to help my family. I want to get away from here. and get married to nice guy in canada. but now i am so depressed. i feel like i may not get phd in canada and not able live openly gay.
Thank you for writing to us at The Trevor Project. The different emotions and experiences that you are going through are perfectly normal and I want to assure you that things will definitly get better for you. You sound like a very passionate person who has crossed paths with a varity of men you have been attracted to. I am sorry to hear that your early sexual experience was unsatisfying; and without knowing any other details than what you've shared, having sexual contact at age 9 or 10 can be especially abusive depending on the age of the person you were with. Those kinds of experiences are not only emotionally stressful, but they can also be criminal, depending on the age of the persons involved. I am glad that you were able to get through that time and eventually meet other people. I want to emphasize, Bharathi, that things will improve and you should not be thinking about any self-destructive behavior. The relationships that you've described show the emotional and spiritual feelings that you put into them and it is natural to have these feelings stepped on, especially if the other person involved is not able to return those feelings like you want. Some of the people that we tend to fall in love with or develop strong physical, sexual attraction to are sometimes not able to return those feelings, either because that person does not share the same sexual feelings or the circumstances do not allow the person to return the attention that we'd like.
I know that your desire to find a partner is very strong and that a move to Canada may seem like the best way to achieve that goal. However, I want to recommend first of all that you find in yourself the beauty of who you are regardless of where you end up living. You naturally want this to be in a place where you feel safe, whether it could be in India or in Canada. By being patient and never giving up, anything is possible. It sounds like you're going through alot of emotional duress as you get this sorted out; but I'd like to point out to you that you are still at a very young age of 22 and you have a wonderful, long life of possibilities ahead of you.
Please know that we are here for you at The Trevor Project. Please feel free to write us at any time and we are here for you. You may also want to check out Trevor Space from our web site that offers a social network of people similar to you. It is a place to chat and communicate with other youths who feel the same emotions as you do.
Your friends at The Trevor Project