Hi, my name's Bianca but most of my friends call me Frank because of Frank Iero from My Chemical Romance. Honestly, they call me it so much that 'Bianca' feels foreign to me. Anyway, I honestly don't know if this is important enough to even send to you. I haven't cut in a couple of months (Maybe 5 or 6 now??) but I'm starting to think about it again. I've also been thinking about the many ways I could commit suicide, but I'm way too scared about something going wrong to try it. A month ago, my friend Ashley told me that she had a crush on me and that she wanted to go out with me, and I told her that I thought that maybe she mistakes something like respect or whatever for love or something, and that if her feelings haven't changed in a month I would give her a straight answer. Well, it's been a month and I'm waiting for her to get online so that I can see if anything has changed and it's just really stressing me out. I don't want to tell her no because I'm afraid that it'll ruin our friendship but I feel the same could happen if I say yes. And recently I've been having these weird feelings, like I don't really belong being a girl. I'll stare in the mirror for anywhere between a couple of minutes to a couple of hours simply trying to find what parts of me are guy-ish and what aren't. And I really hate the fact that I have boobs. I don't know why, it just feels like they shouldn't be there. I've been thinking about going all out and crossdressing and such, but I already have enough people that hate me simply for the stuff that I like (Not that it really bothers me too much, but still) and I definitely don't want them to hate me for that too. It probably wouldn't be that big of a deal at school because apparently most of the LGBT kids in my area go there (even if I haven't met any that are open yet, aha), but I wouldn't know how to bring it up with my family. And wow, this was really long so I'll just stop here. Any advice that you could give me would be awesome.
First of all I just want to let you know that it is awesome that you reached out to us because it takes a lot of courage. You should be proud of yourself. Your question is definitely important enough to send to us. It is perfectly understandable that the situation with your friend, Ashley, would be stressful. You sound like a very caring individual that is concerned with your friendship with her. Also, it is normal to be having feelings whether you belong as a girl or not. I can only imagine it is a confusing experience. Cutting is sometimes a way of coping with intense feeling, such as being stressed out or feeling uncertain, but it is great that you have gone such a long time without doing it.
For some people, depression may lead to suicidal thoughts, but remember that you do not have to act on these thoughts. It might be very helpful to share these thoughts with an adult you trust. Is there a teacher, parent, counselor, or other family member that you think would be understanding? Perhaps one of these individuals could talk to you about what is going on in your life or help you find a mental health professional that could explore ways for you to cope with the difficulties that come with the feelings you are having. It would be brave of you to reach out to someone who could really help.
The decision on how far to take your identity, right now, can be a tough one. It would be important to consider the pros and cons of cross-dressing or bringing it up with your family. Our number one concern would be your safety. Do you think that telling people, like your parents or friends, would possibly leave you in an unsafe place? What would the benefits of doing it be? Ultimately it is a personal decision and process, but it is critical to make sure you have a game plan in case things go wrong. It may even be best to consider what the worst possible consequences might be. Remember that you do not have to tell everyone at once and often it is a personal process.
When it comes to Ashley, our question is if you have ever thought about telling her exactly how you feel? It does sound like a stressful situation, and you would know how to handle it best, but it is certainly something you might consider.
Cutting can be a way to cope with feelings, but it can become more dangerous the more you do it. If you would like some help with regards to this you can visit some of these sites: http://www.safe-alternatives.com/, http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm, or even call 1-800-DONT-CUT. Here are support resources regarding gender: http://www.lauras-playground.com/, http://www.transyouthsupportnetwork.org/, http://www.genderadvocates.org/Tyra/TYRALinks.html. It is truly great that you wrote us and I hope you decide to reach out for support. Do not forget that we are always here for you via the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386, TrevorChat, and also a supportive online community at http://www.trevorspace.com/.
The Trevor Project