How can I get through the pain that I would cause my family if I came out? My mother and step father are deeply religious. My step father also makes me afraid of coming out because he uses the word “fags” and talks about how gays should all be killed because our life style is un-Godly. But if God says we’re his kids and he loves us all then doesn't that include gays? My mother, she tells me all the time if I turn out gay then she is going to kill me herself. My sister, she wouldn't care all that much because she loves homosexuals. My dad he told me if I am gay then he just wants me to be happy and the same with my step mom. My step brother and step sister are both homophobic and it breaks my heart to hear them say things that they don't even know, about how life is for a homosexual. Trevor please help figure out what I should do?
Signed,
Choi, 16, Chesapeake VA

It's understandable that you would have concerns about coming out when you are faced with an environment that is so hostile and unsafe. Some people, like your mother and step-father allow their homophobia to taint their views of God and religion. Unfortunately, their misguided views, as well as those of your step-brother and step-sister, only serve to promote ignorance, intolerance and hatred and cause tremendous pain to those close to them. In addition, those sentiments cause others to fear being themselves and to fear living as proud, openly gay people. You demonstrate insight and intelligence when you ask, if we are all God's children and he loves us all, doesn't that include gays? We at the Trevor Project believe that it most certainly does.

Regardless of our age, we often seek our family's approval and support and it can be difficult when we don't receive that support. Though you are concerned about the pain you would cause your family if you came out, it is also important to recognize the tremendous pain you feel by remaining in the closet and denying who you are.

Even though your mother and step-father are homophobic, it sounds as if your father, step-mother and sister are more understanding and supportive. Do you think you might confide in them first, asking their assistance in dealing with your mother and step-father? Although it is likely that their talk of violence against gays is just talk, it’s very concerning to know that your mother actually said she would kill you if you were gay. If he doesn’t know already, please be sure your father knows that your mother has said this to you.

There are some wonderful organizations devoted to helping families deal with accepting and supporting gay children. One of the most prominent is PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) an organization mostly of parents that assists people in talking about sexual orientation. If you feel safe in contacting them, they can provide you with information that can be passed on to your family, if and when you feel they are ready. There are no assurances but it can be a beginning. Their website is www.Pflag.org.

 

 

Remember that we are always here for you. I'd also recommend you try TrevorSpace, www.trevorspace.org,  in order to find like-minded friends. It's a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you're having.  And don't hesitate any time you need us at AskTrevor. You can also contact us at 1-800-4-U-Trevor in case of an emergency or other serious problems.  Again, we are always here.