I have a girlfriend, right now and I love her. Except... I don't, I’m missing this feeling that I only have with guys. We started doing some more sexual things, and I’m not doing too well with it. The feeling that makes me really like it isn't there and I don't know what to do... I love this girl every other way... but ii only like her sexually... I love guys sexually, but I can't even look at them without feeling nervous. I had a boyfriend once at my school. We didn't go too far, but I know from him that this very important feeling was with him and not with my current girlfriend. So anyway, I don't know what to do... should I try and break up with her? Or should I keep going with her? I’m afraid I might cheat on her or eventually just not like her sexually at all... please, I have no idea what I should do... thank you
I am happy that you chose to reach out to us at the Trevor Project. You are being very mature in facing and trying to make sense of the complex feelings that you are experiencing. The questions you have about how you feel sexually towards girls and boys are a normal part of the process of self-discovery. It is completely understandable how these mixed emotions can be confusing and a cause of anxiety. Rest assured if you hang in there and continue to introspect things will start to become clear.
Sexual Orientation involves a whole range of romantic feelings and emotions as well as sexual attraction towards people of the same gender (lesbian & gay), opposite gender (straight) or both genders (bisexual). Many people in fact think of human sexual orientation as a spectrum and not just the 3 commonly identified static categories. Questioning your sexual orientation and having a wide range of feelings and emotions is a part of growing up. We all have different experiences as we explore ourselves and discover who we are and what we like. You mentioned that while you love your current girlfriend in every other way, you are not sexually attracted to her. In exploring what you should do ask yourself if you have felt sexually attracted to any other girl? If you have maybe you are just missing the sexual attraction with your girlfriend. If you haven’t then you may want to explore why you started going out with your current girlfriend? What attracted you to her? How would things be different if this was a boy instead of a girl? If you don’t like the feeling when you do sexual things with your girlfriend, it might be better to first think about these questions, explore your feelings and then decide if you want to try other sexual things. Forcing yourself to do things you don’t like or feel things you don’t really feel may be painful to both you and your girlfriend in the long run.
From your love from your girlfriend she seems like a good person. You indicated in your letter that you might eventually cheat on your girlfriend because you don’t like her sexually. The fact that you want to get things clear in your head before you end up cheating indicate your maturity and understanding that if you do cheat you may hurt your girlfriend someone who you obviously care for and love in many ways. Hurting people who we care about eventually causes us pain as well. I would encourage you to explore your feelings first before you make any decisions. Do you think you could be honest with your girlfriend about how you feel? Would she understand or would it end badly? Do you think if you break up now (rather than after you cheat on her) you might still be friends and love each other as friends? Would a break up give you the opportunity to explore the emotional and sexual experiences with a boyfriend to confirm that you feel something more when you are with a boy than with your girlfriend?
There are several other things you could do to clarify your feelings further. You could have a conversation with a trusted adult, a close friend or a school counselor to discuss the questions you have. You could also join TrevorSpace (www.trevorspace.org) which is a safe online social networking site run by the Trevor Project for LGBTQ youth between the ages of 13 to 24. As part of this supportive community, you will have the chance to reach out to other people who maybe going through similar experiences as you and get some ideas of how you can deal with your situation.
Chris, I hope this helps you explore your feelings and gives you some ideas of what you can do next. Before you make any decisions make sure you take into account possible outcomes of your actions. Your safety should be your most important consideration. If you feel like you need to talk to someone for any reason feel free to reach out to us at the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386. You could also write back to AskTrevor. We are here to talk to you and support you.