Dear Trevor

 

I'm writing to you beacause I want to share something with you because I know you are here for me. These last few days were just a living hell for me. My mom has the wrong idea about me and so does my dad. Today he told me that because I'm 'queer' : "you can't live with us" ; "you won't survive" ; "you can't make your dreams come true" ; "your mom and I hate you" ; "you're taking my pride away" ; "everybody hates you".


But no one come to me and says : Why are your grades falling ? If they did I would say : beacause I feel insecure at school and everyone is attacking me and judging me. No one asks me : why do you look sad ? If they did I would say I'm gay, but when I was 10, many men used me for sex; and maybe I enjoyed it but it was not able to control it and I feel guilty they used me that way. I feel it wasn't rape beacause I let them do it to me.


It has taken a long time for me to accept myself and love myself and now at 17 my dad comes to me and tells me all those things hurtful things. He tells me to become a 'real man'  He wants me to wear someone else's personality and change my dreams and the lovely things within me. If I did what he wants, all of me would change for the bad because I love myself like this.

 

My parents never stand up for me, not once. I have no-one to talk with and no-one who accepts me for me.

 

I wish if some day I wake up in the morning and feel like a real man , act like a man, talk like a man , my voice would be like a man and I would have a man's sexual orientation;  but that's just a fantasy. HELP !
Signed,
DanD, 17, constantine CON

Dan, thank you so much for writing to us; you have clearly had a very difficult time and this latest episode is so hurtful. First let me say you ARE a real man; you just happen to be attracted to men and not women. That is perfectly normal and natural, and the attractions you feel are OK to feel. Rape or other forms of abuse are never OK, and they are never the fault of the victim. At the age of 10, suffering abuse from adults, you were the victim, and none of this was your fault, even if you felt sexually excited at the time. What they did to you was wrong. You have no reason to feel guilty; you have done nothing wrong.

 

The biggest problem for you now is to find support in your part of the world. It sounds like your father may be preparing to make you leave your family home. Even so, it might be best to think about staying there until you can afford your own place to live, as long as you feel safe from threats or violence. If you are in danger, then try to find a friend or relative who will allow you to stay with them until you can find a place of your own. You do not have to tell anyone you are gay until you are ready; make sure you only share that information with people you can trust until you are in a safe place in your life.

 

For Algeria, there is an email support group available through MSN. Email  GaysEtLesbiennesAlgeriens@groups.msn.com for more information. They may be able to put you in touch with groups or organizations close to where you live. And please stay in touch with us. You can build a friend network through Trevor Space at http://www.trevorspace.org, and you can continue to write to us at Ask Trevor http://www.thetrevorproject.org/deartrevor