Thank you for contacting the Trevor Project. It was an extremely brave and mature thing to do. First it's important for you to know that you are never alone. The Trevor Project is always here; 24/7; when you need to talk to someone. You can contact us whenever you feel the need to talk.
You mentioned that you thought about hurting yourself through cutting and having thoughts of death. These are both extremely serious and dangerous ideas. Cutting yourself may seem like a quick fix to release some anxiety, however the long term consequences are harmful. You can get an infection and get very sick or you can seriously hurt yourself. A scar from cutting is with you forever. If you are having serious thoughts of hurting yourself or death talk to a trusted adult (either a parent, relative, doctor or school counselor) right away. And please remember it will get better.
Second, you say your afraid that people will judge you or not care. That's not true; lots of people care. Your parents care, you may not see it or understand their actions; but they care. Your siblings care, your sisters and your brother love you more than you know. And your friends care, just like you rely on your friends for support and friendship; they feel the same way about you; you're their rock. All these people care about you and would not be the same without you, remember that you matter to all these people. You are important.
Growing up is tough, no matter the circumstances. Right now your going through so many personal changes that it's hard to keep up with them. But this is all completely natural and normal. Considering some of the circumstances you have had to deal with it's understandable you are having a tough time. Given everything that your experiencing it might be a good idea to talk to someone you trust. Either a teacher, a guidance counselor, or an adult family member. Talking about what's going on can help others to understand how you are feeling. Talking also helps to alleviate some stress that comes from keeping all your feelings inside. It sounds like your anxiety acts up when you need someone to talk to. Speaking with an adult might help to calm the anxiety down.
For a lot of kids the hardest part of growing up is dealing their parents. Parents tend to do things that as teenagers we don't understand. But at the end of the day; even though we may not get it; what they are doing is out of unconditional love and protection. You may want to try talking to your parents and explain to them the reasons you would like to have your Ipod returned to you. You can offer to go through it with them so that they can show you what it is they are looking for and you can explain to them why it's so important. It may help you to understand your parents and it may help them to understand you.
Although things may seem dark right now, remember there is always a light at the end of the tunnel; and you will get there. It will get better.