Hi. I’m in desperate need of information. I have been gay my entire life and probably still am. Before, I never had a problem with gays but now I do for some reason. I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m scared of where I might go. I have had many thoughts of suicide because I don’t want to live a lie, but for some reason I feel like I have to. I don’t understand why all of the sudden I’m just turning against gays. I feel like media has poisoned me, and I’m completely alone. For a while, I broke off a friendship with my best friend and hopefully (still) future lover. She’s beautiful to me but then I get this feeling that because she’s gay I shouldn’t be hanging around her.
I’m just scared of my mind, and I would like some helpful advice. I don’t want to hate gays just because my mind is a little unstable right now. I really do want to love the one person who really loves me, but I’m just scared of the lifestyle that I would be living. Before, I didn’t care about my lifestyle, now I’m going crazy about it. I don’t understand why all of the sudden I have something against gays because I used to appreciate the differences in life. I know that no one should be excluded because of their sexual orientation, but I just don’t understand these feelings I am having. Please help me.
I understand that you are in acute distress and I am very glad that you took the step to write. The Trevor Project is here to help you. You are not alone and the kinds of feelings you are experiencing are of course painful and confusing. Please know though, that other gay teenagers have experienced similar feelings.
Not wanting to live a lie is most understandable. It can be difficult to feel like you are allowed to be open about who you are in a world in where so much of what we read and hear about gay people is so irrational. Many gay people have found that they feel pulled by conflicting feelings because of this fact. But I encourage you to get the kind of assistance that will support you in being who you are, instead of taking on the prejudices that you see in the media.
It is good that you want to live honestly, to become who you truly are and to resist being what others may want you to be. Certainly you don't want to hate yourself or other gay people and you do not want to feel so painfully alone. Being gay adds layers of difficulty to the already uneven emotional period of being a teenager. There is dreadful prejudice by many people, this is absolutely true. Yet not everyone shares such destructive attitudes and there are many people who will support and understand your conflicted feelings.
The fact that you are having suicidal thoughts speaks to how desperate you are feeling. Writing to Dear Trevor is a most positive first step and I strongly encourage you to call our toll-free helpline at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR right away. When someone is in the kind of crisis you are experiencing, it is important to talk directly with someone who understands how you are feeling and will help you to feel less scared. The Helpline may also be able to provide you with referrals for counselors in your area. Always remember that you do not have to feel all alone and there is help for you.