I am bi…or so I think I am. I have a boyfriend who I barely see. All the friends I care about have turned their backs ‘cause of bad influences. Nowadays I feel lonely because there is no one I can express myself to. I can’t even express myself to my own boyfriend because it gets him depressed. I don’t want to tell my family I am bi because they have asked me if I was and I lied to them. I want to trust someone, but it’s like no one will understand how I feel. Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer because of my feelings? Trevor, why can’t I be like everyone else? Normal.
New York NY
It may surprise you to know that “normal” people (whatever “normal” means!) suffer because of their feelings, too. That’s part of what makes us all human: we have feelings and sometimes it’s a struggle to understand and deal with them. The main problem for you, it seems, is not so much that you’re struggling with your feelings, but that you feel as if you have no one to share them with.
I’m wondering a couple of things. First, might you reconsider opening up to your family? Sounds like they already suspect. And given how much pain you’re in right now, it would be sad to think that the only reason you’re hesitating coming out to them is because you previously lied about it. Do you not think they’d forgive you that lie, under the circumstances?
I’m also wondering how much reaching out you’ve done beyond your immediate circle. There are certainly lots of resources for young bi/gay people in NYC. Have you looked into any of them? If you don’t know where to go, give The Trevor Helpline a call at 866.4.U.TREVOR (866.488.7386). Besides getting assistance with possible resources in your area, you’ll also be able to express yourself to someone who will listen to you and, I guarantee, will not consider you to be abnormal.