I know many bi females. Some of my really good female friends are half gay. I have never dated a girl because whenever I was straight I was shy. Now, I am definite on what sex I like. The only problem is I'm so lonely. I am not ashamed of who I am. I just wouldn't introduce myself as gay. I really have to trust someone. I would never tell my parents. They have said that they would disown me. I don't really care that they don't know; I love them all the same. It's more about others knowing. I don't know any other gay guys like me. It is really hard for me to sit around and hear people talk about girlfriends or boyfriends because I've never been in a relationship. I don't think myself to be ill-favored, I guess I'm still shy and I am always afraid if someone will be intolerant. My best friend, a heavy-set bi girl, told me I gotta’ be more open about my sexuality. I don't know if I can do that though. The last time she introduced me to another gay guy things went sour before anything even happened. Sometimes, I wish that I was never born. I try to inflict pain upon myself but never close to termination. I would do the carbon monoxide thing though because cutting is messy and hurts. I also told this questioning guy who I'll call T.C. that I couldn't wait forever on him and that he should go to prom with a girl. I guess I'm really insecure. I love him though. Even-though we've never dated or kissed or anything. I love the man all the more. It is kinda’ depressing when you can't get over someone.
Being honest with yourself about your sexual orientation is a courageous act. I applaud you for this. It appears to have been a struggle to get there, but you did it. But being self-aware and letting others share in that awareness with you can be a very scary process. And when you don't feel safe enough to disclose your gay identity it can be very lonely. I am glad that you have a best friend that you can be real with and who apparently accepts you just as you are. You are lucky to have her. But it may be better to wait until you trust the person you're with before you disclose your gay identity, because it's tender right now for you and it's important that you share that part of yourself with someone who you have reason to believe is caring and respectful.
You are also fortunate to have a love, even though T.C. may not be in a position to return that love at this time. He may be struggling with some of the same identity issues you're struggling with. Like you, once he gets clear and is more accepting of himself, he may be more available to reciprocate your love—or he may not. But loving someone who does not, or is not able to, return that love is something that all people—gay and straight—go through at some point in their lives. It’s crummy and it hurts, but it’s just part of being human. Please trust that you will recover from it if you allow yourself to.
Your wish to harm yourself is a concern. You probably know that we have a 24 hour helpline (1-800-4-U-TREVOR) and I really encourage you to use it. It will allow you to connect to person who understands what you are going through and the dialogue may help with some of the loneliness. That person may also be able to help you find mental health and other resources for gay and questioning teens in your area.
Take care of yourself Jacques and good luck.