I am returning to school very shortly. Over the summer I have discovered much about my gender and identity. I'm afraid I'll have to come out again to my friends. They know me as bisexual, but I have discovered that I wasn't very comfortable with that title, disliked the stigima attached to it and that I was more attracted to women. So, I address myself as queer. In the case of my gender, they know me as a cis-gendered women, but I have discovered that I am really bigender. My friends do not have a very good grasp on sexuality and gender. I'm worried that they might think that I'm doing to be popular or that I'm crazy or confused. Any advise for those who might have to explain themselves again? Thank you for your love and support. 
Signed,
Jess, 18, Chicago IL

 Dear Jess,

 

It sounds like you're experiencing just how confusing sexuality can be. The good news is, you sound like you're open to the journey, and are taking the time to really explore who you are. That's great! What you may find, though, is that your friends can't keep up with you in terms of the self-discoveries you're making. That's not all that surprising, really. People who automatically fall into the predominant categories of gender and sexual orientation don't always understand the confusion of those of us who have to struggle figure out who we are. If you've never had to wonder whether you're gay or straight, you may not understand the struggles of those of us who do.

 

I guess the best advice I can give is to be understanding of yourself and your friends. Your friends may not, as you say, have a very good grasp of sexuality and gender, and that may cause them to jump to the wrong conclusions about your changing perceptions of yourself. So, rather than formally coming out again to your friends, why not just say that you're not sure yet about your sexual or gender identity. Sexuality, after all, isn't always cast in stone. It can change over time. I know there are those who try to stigmatize bisexuality as something you say when you're gay but don't want to admit it, but I think it's far more likely that a lot of us simply move between an attraction for men and an attraction for women, much as bigender people may move between feminine and masculine gender-typed behavior. There's nothing wrong with this, although it can be pretty confusing if you believe that sexuality and gender identity are set for life and never change.

 

I guess what I'm suggesting is that you be honest with your friends about your journey, but that you treat it as just that: a journey. Maybe that'll help them avoid labeling you as crazy, confused, or a popularity-hound.

 

I hope this helps, Jess. I admire your courage and sense of personal integrity in really trying to understand yours sexual identity. You're asking questions that can be pretty scary to a lot of people, and that takes courage.

 

All the best.