Dear Trevor, im 21 years old and im still struggling with who I am. I thought by this point in my life i would be able to understand but its like im in the same place i was in high school. I have never spoken to anyone about this and Im pretty sure no one even has a clue. I had never chased girls in high school. Im trying to think if i was attracted to any girls then but all remember is wanting to be with my straight friend. but after graduation there was one girl who wanted to date, so i did. She was the only girlfriend i have ever had. We had been dating six months and she began to get frustrated that i hadnt tried anything beyond kissing, so she threw herself at me. After a unbelievably awkward failure on my part, she still wanted to try again. That second time i was able to and was able to onward from that point. I thought i had won, I thought i was over that confusing period and everything would be fine. It didnt take long before i realized that the only way this was happening was because of the male fantasys i would have going on in my mind during. I was not happy with this girl but did not leave her because i did not know if she would be the only woman i could have sex with. I almost had a baby with her because i though this would be my only chance to have a child. She broke up with me shortly afterwards because she realized i was not in love. I have not been with anyone since. I dont go to parties or bars, and i always use school as an excuse not to go. I have one gay friend who i almost talked to about this but i work with him and he is not good at keeping secrets. I could never tell my parents as they do not like gay people. This is my only way to talk about this and im sorry if im a little old but i didnt have many options. Thank you for listening.
Signed,
Jim, 21, Charlotte NC
Hey Jim, THere is no reason to feel like you are "running behind". We all grow at our own pace. We each have an individual set of circumstances. BEing comfortable is more important. Everyone goes through a period of discovery regarding their sexuality. It is perfectly fine to be questioning. IF you do not ask the questions, you may never get the answers. You are willing to be honest with yourself. That is the key. It may feel a bit awkward now. But, in time you will get a clearer understanding. BEing able to confide will help you sort things out. DO you have a TRUSTED adult, maybe a teacher, school counselor, a friend or close relative, with whom you can confide? IF not, you can reach out to some supportive communities. Trevorspace, at www.trevorspace.org, is the Trevor Project's safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It's a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality. In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about who you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with girls, boys or both. On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=726&Itemid=336 you'll find the brochure "I Think I Might Be Gay...Now What Do I Do?" On www.bisexual.org you'll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then "Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG" you can find information that may help. PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) “Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth” at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf can be of further help as you try to understand your sexual orientation/gender identity. Remember that there's no rush to figure this out. IF you need some further assitance, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is a great organization, made up mostly of parents, which supports LGBTQ people and works to help parents and others to become more supportive and accepting of their loved one's sexual orientation/gender identity. On their website at www.pflag.org click on "Get Support" then click on "For Family & Friends" where you'll find the pamphlets "Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual People" and “Frequently Asked Questions about GLBT People,” which, if you’re comfortable, you can share with your family members/friends to help them become more understanding and accepting of you. PFLAG also runs support groups where parents and others can discuss questions and concerns they have about a loved one's sexual orientation and where LGBT people can discuss issues they're having with people in their life. On their website, you can search for a chapter near you. If no chapter is near you or if your family members/friends won't attend, you could still contact the nearest chapter and get support and learn ways to help them become more understanding of you. Finding support will help you along your path. You do not have to do this alone. THere are many, many. many understanding people that care. Do not hesitate to find support.