I don't know where to begin with all this really, it's been such a long few years. I genuinely can't remember a time in my life when I was happy. Sure I can remember times during a day, or a decent few days but in terms of a period during my life, I just can't recall one. Over the past few years I've been diagnosed with depression, alongside other things. I've been self harming regularly for a long time through overdoses and cutting. A few days ago I took my most serious overdose and took a large amount of paracetamol which landed me in hospital for two days for treatment. They told me that if I'd left it without treatment there was a good possibility it would have killed me. I honestly don't know whether it was what I intended at the time but I know I wouldn't have regretted it. I spend most of my life wanting it to come to an end. They've given me loads of different medication to try and treat me. I've been on something like 7 or 8 different types now and none have made any difference. I've seen multiple psychiatrists, multiple GPs and multiple support workers and such. None of it works for me and I ended up cutting them off for a few months and have only just started going back to them. My family are aware of some of the incidents that have happened but I keep lots of stuff from them to avoid upsetting them because my Mum in particular worries easily even though they are supportive. My friends again know pieces of it but I've kept the most recent thing from them. I had a best friend who helped me through the years we were together as tough as they were. After my first overdose though, which he saw the aftermath of when I had a fit in his company, he just cut me out of his life. One day he just stopped acknowledging me and speaking to me and since then he's ignored me entirely. He's never told me why but I've heard from ohers it's because he couldn't deal with me any more. It's devastated me because he did mean everything to me, he'd been there for so many years looking out for me and listening when nobody else would. The fact that I managed to make the nicest person I've ever met actually hate me so much he can't be around me just makes me feel sick. I've made countless attempts to get him back in my life somehow. I've donated large amounts to his efforts for charity and bought him stuff as presents but he never responds, I guess you can't use money to make people like you. It's been my strategy most of my life, I know they won't like me for who I am so I try to keep them on side by always buying the drinks and the expensive birthday presents and that, it's the only thing I've got worth sticking around for. I came out when I was in high school and despite it being a Catholic High School I never really faced too much trouble. I was relatively well liked so I was never really bullied. I've always hated that side of me though, it's always been a negative in my life. Whether it's made me have inappropriate feelings towards friends or kept me alone, it's always been a weight around my neck. I had an experience when I had gone out drinking with friends and a guy from high school (the supposedly straight rugby captain) ended up taking advantage of the fact I was drunk while he was loaded on drugs and some stuff happened. I was never forced but I hated myself for doing it when I got out of there. Since then unless I've drank a huge amount I hate any sort of intimate contact and have entirely stayed away from it except for one incident where I couldn't go through with it when it started. My parents divorced when I was young which had an effect on me, I started to hoard everything and refused to throw things away. I don't remember much of the time but I've been told by my parents that I was taken to see a child psychologist and I did grow out of it in time though it still reoccurs occasionally now. We've stayed a close family though, and they have been totally accepting, it wasn't an issue for them at all, my uncle is gay also. If anything though being close to my family has hurt as much as it has helped. They are the only thing that really stop me from actively making sure I kill myself, just the guilt factor. I want to do it so much but thinking of them, my Mum in particular, always holds me back somehow. I've spent the last three years at university but I spend all of my holidays at home. I'm mostly isolated here as they have constantly screwed up my accomodation and placed me with people who all know each other and don't want anyone else around. I have some friends but they are some distance away and I feel like I'm just a burden to them mostly. The weird thing is I always manage to do my work. No matter what's gone on around me I've been able to complete work and get good grades, I'm still managing to average at a first even when I've completed exams the day after coming out of hospital. I just don't see it as a positive though, my academics just doesn't add up to anything when everything else about me is so flawed. I just hate myself, everything about me. I blame myself for all of the events that have happened to me, mainly because more often than not they were my fault. I'm just the eternal screw up, who can't hold onto people for long once they realise what I'm really like. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do now. I've found myself thinking more and more about what I'm going to do with my money after I'm gone, even wrote down where it will go. I'm becoming more and more impulsive, the cutting has spread from my arms to my face and the urges are more and more apparent. Every day my thought processes just degenerate that little bit more. I find myself slipping out of cogent thoughts into just nonsense that's swamped in darkness. I find myself losing time when and not realising what's been happening for the past few minutes because my thoughts have just totally degenerated. All the while the darker side of me that just wants to get it other with gets stronger and dominates the times when I just can't think straight. I doubt there is anything any of these people will ever do to help me, no medication can fix me and no amount of talking seems to be able to do it either. There really isn't much point carrying on with it and I just don't know if nothing at all would be better than the current situation, I don't have the energy to put that smile on for much longer. I'm sorry, I realise this charity is for Americans and people who are victims of bullying. It's great what you do, really great and I'm sure you've saved a lot of people but I realise there's not much you can do to fix someone who's just broken. I just had to write something down, anything to keep my mind breaking down any further really and my writing is the one place I can keep it together. I realise there won't be much you can say. Thank you for listening though. Joe