A couple months ago, I was feeling particularly down. It had been going on for a while but this time I was really depressed; I wasn't eating; I wasn't sleeping; I wasn't really doing anything at all. Nothing in my life had changed recently. None of my friends or family members noticed anything different about me. It was really early in the morning and no one was awake yet. I decided I was just going to get my chores done so that if I did fall asleep later, I wouldn't have to wake up to do them. So I was putting away the dishes. For some reason, whenever dad washes dishes he leaves them sharp side up. I almost cut my hand on one and was annoyed. But then I was thinking about it. And by it I mean life and how bad it had been recently. So instead of putting away that one knife, I sat with it on the floor. I must've sat there for at least an hour. Debating. I'd thought about it before. Suicide. The permanent solution to the temporary problem. I knew that I'd have better chances of doing it right if I took a hot shower/bath first but I couldn't quite motivate myself to get off the floor. I played around with it for a while. Both the idea and the knife. Even decided to go through with it. Drew a little blood. You know what stopped me? A note. I couldn't not leave a note. So I went up to my room, intending to do just that. But there are so many people who I'd have to write to. I couldn't just do my family; they wouldn't be the only ones affected. I started writing them, too. Really writing them. On paper. At some point though, I started crying and I just couldn't stop. Flushed all the notes to be sure no one would ever read them. And so I wouldn't be tempted to continue where I left off. I can't say I'm glad I didn't do it. Because, sometimes, I still wish I had. I really just want to get back to happy and pretend this whole thing never happened. It's hard not to think about it though. Every time I try to tell someone, I just can't. Their next question would be why? or what's wrong? and I don't even know anymore... I just don't know what to do. I need to tell someone, but I don't know how to go about it. I feel really messed up and confused right now. And lately everything's building up again. I can't sleep at night and my grades are continuously going down. I've been crying for no reason. I just don't feel right. I've been eating, but who knows when I'll stop? I don't mean to sound dramatic, but it really is like that. I'll get hungry, but the thought of eating will make me feel sick. I've been through this so many times now and I can't keep going like this.
Signed,
Kasey, 15, Gloucester VA
Hi Kasey, YOu are not being overly dramatic. This is your story. I do not perceive any embellishments. WE are glad you did not go through with the suiicide attempt. WE are gld you are here to write to us with your situation. Konw you can ALWAYS, call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours 7 days a week. IF you ever feel you may act on thos suicidal thoughts, call 911 or get to an emergency room at a hospital. Your immediate safety is essential. Sometimes depresssion can be caused by a chemical imbalance. So eventhough "nothing is wrong", you can still experience the symptoms. Stressful and traumatic events can trigger depression. BUt, they are not always present. Stressful and traumatic events can trigger depression. When you’re depressed, it can be very painful to feel and can make you isolate from your friends and family, cause you to be tired all the time and take away your motivation to do things, make you not enjoy the things you usually like to do, make you sleep and eat much less or much more than usual, and make you see everything in your life in a negative way. Sometimes the depression can get so bad it can make a person think of ending their life. Sometimes people think about ending their life when they're feeling very depressed, feel hopeless that things will get better and helpless to make things better in their life. On www.us.reachout.com you'll find facts about depression by clicking on “struggles with feelings.” Please know that there is treatment for depression and suicide including medication and/or therapy. It can help to talk with a mental health professional, such as a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist to help you see choices and options you may not be aware that you have. On www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm you can learn more about depression and its treatment. On http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/databases/ you can search for mental health services in your area. You could also contact the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists by calling 215-222-2800 or by visiting their website at www.aglp.org for help in finding someone in your area for you to talk and work with. HAving someone to talk to is very improtant. DO you have a trusted adlt, someone with whom you can confide? HAve you tried talking to your parents about the depression. YOur health is being affected. Loss of appetite and insomnia can create larger issues in the future. KAsey, you are a valuable young woman. WIth care, your condition can improve. You do not have to wrestle with this alone. REach out for help. Remember, we are here when you need us.