idrk how to start this and i petrified right now but i get in to these "moods" every other month or so and it has been getting more often recently where i realy start to question who i am and i get this sinking feeling in my heart just thinking what is it really worth? i have only really had crushes on guys but sometimes i see a girl and think i could be romantic with her. im so confused. idk if its just normal or just a phase but im really worried its not. i have nothing against lgbt people but i see what they go through and i just really dont want to be gay. and its not that my mom wouldnt be accepting she loves me so much and says it all the time. i sometimes feel like it would be so easy to OD and not have worry about it. i think about suicide all the time and idk if i would be capible of it not. i mean probaby not but it scares me to think that i even think about it. normal people don't. i cant talk to a counseler becuase a friend of mine dragged me in there one day for something totaly unrealted and my mom found out and she kind of yelled at me saying only messed up people went to counselers. i really dont want to talk to her about it because iv never brought it up and she has asked me before if i thought i might be gay and ofcourse i said no (she asked becuase i said i wasnt religious because it seems to judgemental of certain groups of people like gay people) she says she would be totaly cool if i was but i dont want to say anything until im sure.... im sorry if this seems unclear or too much i just have had it bottled up for so long
It sounds like you're facing questions that a lot of people confront at about your age: Am I straight or gay? How do I know? What will my parents say if I'm gay? What about my friends and acquaintances? Will I be judged or bullied? The good news is, unlike a lot of people your age, you sound like you've got a lot going for you. You seem to have strong and generous disposition which allows you to take stock of the difficulties of being gay, and to stand up for those facing those difficulties. You sound like your open-minded, willing to allow people to be who they are without undue judgment. And you sound like you have, for the most part, a supportive mom who will love you whoever you turn out to be. These are all assets.
As to your uncertainty about your sexuality, that, too, is pretty common. Not everyone your age (or any age) knows for sure who they're attracted to, and for some it takes a good long time to figure that out. I know it did for me. Maybe what you're feeling now is a phase, and in a few months you'll find that your attractions to others have stabilized so that you're sure you're either straight or gay. But maybe this process of discovery will take longer, maybe a couple of years, and during that time you'll continue to be a little confused. There are no rules for this process. There's no fixed timeframe, and no "right" answers. And, honestly, that's the good news! The trick is to ignore the uncertainty and get on with life. Instead of feeling the need to label yourself as either straight or gay, give yourself time to experience and explore. Think of yourself as "undecided" when it comes to your sexuality. Think of yourself as "questioning," which is how a lot of people label themselves in this stage of life.
There a lot of resources that can help you with this exploration. A lot of schools these days have a "Gay/Straight Alliance," which is basically a support group for kids who are either questioning their sexuality or are friends of kids who are. It's a good place to make friends and to get (and give) support. If you prefer an online resource, the Trevor Project has a social networking site called TrevorSpace (www.trevorspace.org) for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth and their friends and allies. It's sort of like an online Gay/Straight Alliance where you can connect with other people throughout the country, make new friends, and find support. And, of course, there are community support groups as well. In Raleigh, there's the LGBT Center that has a number of groups designed specifically for kids who are questioning their sexuality. You can read about these at their website: http://www.lgbtcenterofraleigh.com/site/youth.html.
I hope this helps, Kate. Know that you're not along, and that you're going through what pretty much everyone your age is going through, whether they admit it or not. Take your time, and enjoy the journey. And, if we can help, don't hesitate to write to us again.