Well my first off my Mother passed away almost two years ago, leaving me to be a role model for my two younger siblings. I came out to my dad as pansexual when I was 14 and he didn't take it well, my older step sister is a lesbian so she was very supportive.
But now, I'm questioning a different aspect of my life, my gender. Since I was 11-12 I've been wanting to be a boy, not just wanting to dress up and have hair like one, I used to try to stand up to use the bathroom, hell I barely even did anything in the morning when I got up for school, grabbed a t-shirt and shook my hair off... I don't feel comfortable, I don't think I'm attractive, my breasts are just useless pains, I don't get pleasure from anything I try, and I know I'm able to but it's just...useless.
I feel uncomfortable, I feel weird and disgusted with my body. Am I wrong for feeling this way? What do I say to my family? How can I discreatly get a therapist for myself and my sexuallity issues? I'm so very confused and tired of waiting, please help
It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of difficult and painful issues including the death of your mother, your dad's response to you being pansexual, and issues around your gender.
It shows tremendous courage and strength of character that despite these difficulties you are able to be a role model for your younger siblings, you had the courage to come out to your dad, that you are asking yourself the difficult question about gender identity and that through this all you summoned even more strength to write Ask Trevor for help and support.
Know that while all of your questions and feelings are difficult, they are also normal and healthy. What's more, being uncomfortable in your own body just amplifies these feelings. Luckily if you're looking for local support, there are a lot of great resources available to you. One is the Pride Center of West NY. The center can recommend a local pansexual friendly therapist, hosts groups for young people who are questioning their gender identity, and you can meet more people who have been through similar experiences.
people, like your dad, who initially had difficulty accepting and being supportive of their child’s sexual orientation and gender identity with help can become more supportive.
PFLAG (Parents families of lesbians and gays) is a great organization made up mostly of parents and friends that support LGBTQ people and help parents and others become more supportive and embracing of sexual orientation and gender identity. On the website you can find information, that if you felt comfortable, you could share with your dad. Frequently Asked Questions about GLBT (http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=290), Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People (http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=594).
As your also dealing with issues around gender you might find The Transgender Network (http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=380) to be helpful as well as Welcoming Our Trans Family and Friends (http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202).
If you want to talk more about everything that you are dealing with, you can always call the Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386, 24 hours a day 7 a week. Our understanding supportive counselors answer many questions regarding gender identity and whose parents have had difficulty with their coming out. Remember that you never have to go through this alone – we’re always here for you at the Trevor Project.