My name is Kiara. I am not sure what to do. I guess it isn't serious enough to use this service, but I didn't know who to ask. I don't cut, but I think about it a lot. I have a razor, but I can never actually bring myself to break skin. It is like how I contemplate suicide. I think of how and opportunities I can committ suicide, but I don't follow through for an unknown reason. I do scratch myself though. I have a pin that has sharp edges and the pin part is dull so I use that as well. I don't even know why I do it. I used to do it when I felt worthless and really sad. That was last year. Then I stopped for a while, but I did it again today. I don't know why. I felt fine, or at least I though I did. I wasn't sad, or mad, or too numb and decided to do it. I just really wanted to do it. I think I wanted it to make me feel better, but I don't think I felt bad in the first place. I don't know what is wrong with me. I cannot talk to my parents. I cannot talk to my sister either because she is having far more serious issues going on in her life. What should I do? I'm sorry if this was the wrong site and I just wasted your time.
It sounds like you’re going through a very difficult and painful time which may be made even harder when you feel that you can’t talk with your parents or your sister about what you’re feeling and going through. Though you said that you’re not sure what to do, you show how smart you are in understanding the importance of reaching out for help. I’m so glad that you found The Trevor Project and that you wrote to Ask Trevor to get support and to learn things you can do to help keep you safe. Please know that you are in NO WAY wasting our time. We are here for you no matter what you’re going through whenever you need us.
Kiara, please know that we at The Trevor Project care about you. We are very concerned that you’ve been contemplating and thinking about how you might attempt suicide. Though you’ve thought about suicide, we’re very glad that you haven’t following through with your thoughts because the world would lose someone very special if you were no longer here. It's very important for your safety to immediately tell a trusted adult such as a relative, friend’s parent, teacher, school counselor or doctor about these thoughts in order to keep you safe. If you ever feel you're going to act on the thoughts of suicide, immediately call 911 or get to your nearest hospital emergency room. If there's no one you feel comfortable talking with or would like more support, you could call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours 7 days a week. Our caring, understanding and supportive counselors are here to talk with you about everything you're feeling and going through and want to do whatever is needed to keep you safe. When you’re depressed, it can be very painful to feel and cause you to feel sad and worthless, can make you isolate from your friends and family, cause you to be tired all the time and take away your motivation to do things, make you not enjoy the things you usually like to do, make you sleep much less or much more than usual, as you've experienced, cause you to eat much less than usual and make you see everything in your life in a negative way. Sometimes the depression can get so bad it can make a person think of ending their life. People sometimes think about ending their life when they're feeling very depressed, feel hopeless that things will get better and helpless to make things better in their life. On www.us.reachout.com you'll find facts about depression by clicking on “struggles with feelings.” Please know that there is treatment for depression and ways to deal with thoughts of suicide including therapy and/or medication. It can help to talk with a mental health professional, such as a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist about what you’re feeling and going through including your thoughts of suicide as well as your feelings of sadness and worthlessness in order to understand what’s causing these feelings and to get the correct treatment to help you to feel better and to help you see choices and options you may not be aware that you have. On www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm you can learn more about depression and its treatment. On http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/databases/ you can search for mental health services in your area.
It’s also concerning that you’ve thought a lot about cutting with a razor and that you’ve scratched yourself with a pin. You said that you used to scratch yourself when you felt worthless and really sad but that you’re not sure why you did it the most recent time. It might help you to know that people cut or hurt themselves in other ways like scratching themselves as a way of dealing with or managing difficult, painful, overwhelming emotions or stress. For some, cutting relieves stress or tension or they find that the physical pain of cutting is a distraction from the emotional pain. Some people are angry at someone in their life and take the anger out on themselves by cutting. Others feel that the cutting gives them a feeling of control when things in the life or their emotions feel out of control. Still others feel numb or "dead inside" and cutting helps them to feel alive. With things that you’re dealing with, you may be experiencing some or all of these things. It's important for you to know that scratching yourself or cutting may help you to feel better briefly but the longer it goes on, the more dangerous it can become as it can cause permanent scars, infections and serious, and sometimes life threatening medical problems especially if you cut a major blood vessel. It can also cause you to feel shame, guilt, depressed and out of control. If you feel like scratching or cutting, there are lots of ways to help yourself feel better without putting yourself at risk. Think about how you feel before and after you scratch yourself. If scratching helps to release anger, you might try getting the anger out in another way like hitting a pillow, stomping around in heavy shoes, ripping up an old newspaper or flattening aluminum cans. If scratching helps you when you’re sad, do whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted. That may be listening to certain songs, calling a friend or eating a favorite food. Sometimes, writing in a journal or drawing/painting helps a person to feel better. For some people, doing something physical like running outdoors or yoga can help relieve stress. If the scratching yourself helps you to feel less numb, do something that creates a sharp physical feeling like putting your hand briefly in ice water or stamp your feet on the ground). There are websites available including http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775, http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/cutting-self-harm-signs-treatment, www.safe-alternatives.com and http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm that can help you learn about cutting and other self injurious behaviors as well as additional things you can do when you have the urge to cut. It can be very difficult to stop scratching and to deal with the urge to cut and it would be important to tell a trusted adult about the scratching and urge to cut in order for them to find a mental health professional for you to work with to find safer and healthier ways to deal with the hard things you’re going through. Since you don’t feel comfortable talking with your parents, you could ask a relative, teacher, school counselor or doctor for help finding a therapist or call 1-800-DON’T-CUT where you can be referred to a therapist in your area. When you have the urge to scratch or cut, you can always call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor (1-866-488-7386) and talk with a Trevor lifeline counselor about what you’re feeling and experiencing as well as your urge to scratch or cut which can help to delay or stop the urge. They can also work with you to find a therapist to help you.
Kiara, please continue to reach out for help and to fight for you because, you're worth fighting for. Remember that you can always call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-4-U-Trevor 24 hours, 7 days a week for support and to talk further about everything you're feeling and going through. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone as we're always here for you at the Trevor Project.