I feel ashamed even thinking I could possibly be questioning my sexual orientation. I've never thought myself as anything but straight. I want that marriage with the man of my dreams, then start a family of my own...
But since puberty, 9 years ago, I can't help but not admit that I see 'attraction' to very cute, pretty women as well. I never thought anything of it but envy, and who knows, it could very well be just envy that I could look like them. But something has been bugging me even more lately...
I can't get 'comfortable' around men. I truly have no male friends, not really... I don't know if it's just because I'm extremely awkward around them or not. But I can't be myself around men; I can't let down these walls I seem to have put up. I freeze up and can't speak a word to them. But with women, I am very comfortable around them. I don't want to be Bi. (there's nothing wrong with it, but I don't want it.) I know everyone matures at their own pace. But I'm 22 now. And I consider myself straight, attracted to men. As I said before, I want that fairy tale marriage and a family with 2.5 kids.
If you asked me who I picture myself with, my answer would be this: A loving man who loves me endlessly, with me wrapped up in his strong, protective, loving arms.
But what is wrong with me? Am I emotionally incapable of having a man in my life? I've even considered if my polycystic ovary syndrome has a possible factor in all of this (since my body produces more male hormones than female).
I don't know... all I know is that this uncontrollable and unpredictable irritableness and on/off feelings of sadness and frustration are at their peak and I just want these feelings to end. I'm normally a really happy person, but lately... I seem to be pushing people away with these negative emotions. My one friend Dan I've pushed away and I would like to gain his friendship back. I seem to only be hurting close friends because of this confusion of mine.
Evryone goes thorugh a period of discovery regarding their sexuality. ANd, as you stated, everyone does it at their own pace. Some people arrive at clarity in their later years. It happens. Seeking answers is not shameful. Quite the opposite!!!! Everyone, espeically young women, receive the indoctrination of what their life should look like. BUt, in reality, Prince CHarming is a real man who passes gas, forgets to get milk on the way home, and continues to love you like no one else. AS you continue to emerge as an adult, you will begin to shift through all of these notions to test their resonance with you, as an individual. You have an image of being married and having children. You have an image of a eternally loving man with strong arms embracing you. OK. You also acknowledge having attrions for cute pretty women. Let me suggest another scenario. CAn you picture yourself in the loving arms of a cute pretty girl? Can you imagine the possibility of finding a pratner with whom you can share a life and start a family. THat scenario of the loving family can happen whether you are gay straight or bisexual. The only thing in that picture that would change is the gender of your beloved. Lynne, there is nothing shameful in seeking assistance. This has become a preoccupation for you. Your concern is causing you to isolated yourself from friends. Consulting with a counselor can help you sort through your questions and examine your discomfort around men. Trust me. You are not he only woman that has a bit of difficulty relating to men. Think about all of the self-help books based on "the Battle of the Sexes". You are not alone, NOT AT ALL. You are not the only person that has questions about their sexuality. In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about who you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with girls, boys or both.
On www.bisexual.org you'll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then "Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG" you can find information that may help. On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 you'll find the brochure "I Think I Might Be Lesbian...Now What Do I Do?" which may help you with your questions about your sexuality. PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) “Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth” at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf can be of further help as you try to understand your sexual orientation/gender identity. Remember that there's no rush to figure this out. DO you have a trusted adult, maybe a teacher, a school counselor, or a close relative with whom you can confide? HAving someone to speak with can help clarify your thoughts and feelings while gaining some support. Trevorspace, at www.trevorspace.org, is the Trevor Project's safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It's a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality.