I feel ashamed even thinking I could possibly be questioning my sexual orientation. I've never thought myself as anything but straight. I want that marriage with the man of my dreams, then start a family of my own...
But since puberty, 9 years ago, I can't help but not admit that I see 'attraction' to very cute, pretty women as well. I never thought anything of it but envy, and who knows, it could very well be just envy that I could look like them. But something has been bugging me even more lately...
I can't get 'comfortable' around men. I truly have no male friends, not really... I don't know if it's just because I'm extremely awkward around them or not. But I can't be myself around men; I can't let down these walls I seem to have put up. I freeze up and can't speak a word to them. But with women, I am very comfortable around them. I don't want to be Bi. (there's nothing wrong with it, but I don't want it.) I know everyone matures at their own pace. But I'm 22 now. And I consider myself straight, attracted to men. As I said before, I want that fairy tale marriage and a family with 2.5 kids.
If you asked me who I picture myself with, my answer would be this: A loving man who loves me endlessly, with me wrapped up in his strong, protective, loving arms.
But what is wrong with me? Am I emotionally incapable of having a man in my life? I've even considered if my polycystic ovary syndrome has a possible factor in all of this (since my body produces more male hormones than female).
I don't know... all I know is that this uncontrollable and unpredictable irritableness and on/off feelings of sadness and frustration are at their peak and I just want these feelings to end. I'm normally a really happy person, but lately... I seem to be pushing people away with these negative emotions. My one friend Dan I've pushed away and I would like to gain his friendship back. I seem to only be hurting close friends because of this confusion of mine.
Thank you for your letter. As you stated, everyone goes through their discovery period at their own pace. Many people also believe that sexuality is a fluid expression. That is, over time, one's attractions may vacillate. Recent studies suggest, women tend to have more fluid expressions of sexuality. You might want to think of sexuality as a spectrum of colors. On one end, you have 100% attracted to women, say white. While on the other end, you have 100%S attracted to men, say black. In between these extreme points, there are an inifinite variety of shades and hues, greys and vibrant colors. Sometimes, when considering one's sexuality, it can be helpful to remember what you know. You may have some questions and uncertainties. But, you know you are attracted to men. And, you know you have some recognition of feminine attractiveness. In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about who you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with girls, boys or both. On www.bisexual.org you'll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then "Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG" you can find information that may help. Lynne, there is nothing wrong with you. Your feelings of attraction are a normal, natural expression of your sexuality. You have identified some difficulties you have relating to men. Your awareness will serve you immensely. Perhaps, talking to a therapist or counselor will help you sort through your feelings and assist you work through some obstacles regarding the awkwardness you feel. You could also contact the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists by calling 215-222-2800 or by visiting their website at www.aglp.org for help in finding someone in your area for you to talk and work with. ( I am not trying to infer or influence with that suggestion. The AGLP can assist everyone irregardless of one's sexuality.) You could discuss your concerns about the Polycystic Ovary Syndrome with your doctor. LYnne, be kind to yourself. Allow your atttractions, fantasies, and crushes guide you. OUr culture seems to suggest that adults should have everything figured out by their "legal" age of 21. BUt, adults continue to grow as they age. AT times, one needs to sit back and consider some of the thoughts they have absorbed along the way. Lynne, whatever your sexuality is, you can still have that loving marriage and 2.5 kids. Relationships take work. And, if you recognize some difficulty in relating to men, that can be addressed. Learning some new skills, communication being a big one, can ease that discomfort. Lynne, you have made some astute observations. Being able to identify conflicts will help you solve them.