Dear Trevor,

 

I think I might be bi but I'm not sure.

 

One night me and my friends got really drunk. Then my friend Clair and me started to make out. She told me the next day that she thought that she might be bi, that she thought this long before the making out. I told her the same thing. But then other people started to hear about our making out night, and my best friend got really mad at me. She said that it was gross and she couldn't believe that I would ever do that. It made me feel really bad. She thought that I did it for attension and she told me to be the Madison that she knows I am. But being the real Madison was to do what I did that night. So I am really confused and have no one to turn to. I mean I seem to really like guys but I also seem to find girls hot too... I dont know if that means I'm bi. I just really need help to find where I belong.


Please help,
 
Signed,
Madison, 16, Unknown NY

Dear Madison,

 

First off, no one has the right to tell you who the 'real' you is! Others can only see us through the lens of their own life and experiences, so even our best friends may not know every 'truth' about us. However, is it possible that your friend was upset because she believed you were changing yourself to try to get attention, and not because you were acting on attraction to another girl? It can be easy to make assumptions about what others are saying, and perhaps reach the wrong conclusion. This can lead to a painful rift between friends! So I suggest you talk to your friend and make sure she understands what you did, and why you did it. If she is absolutely certainly talking about your sexuality being gross, you may want to help her understand more about other sexualities. You have the right to be supported by those close to you, and I would like you to find that! I believe a good friend will be open to learning more about a subject and reconsidering their assumptions for the sake of someone they care about.

 

I also want you to understand you aren't gross, and you do not have to feel bad for being attracted to anyone. You have the right to explore your own feelings, your sexuality, and come to the conclusion that suits you. Similarly, you do not have to feel 'lost' because you are questioning your sexuality. Some people explore their sexualities their entire lives, or change their minds about what label they feelf its them. This does not make them fake! No one is obligated to be any particular sexuality, or stick to one for the rest of their life just because they felt it fit them at some point. Your sexuality is yours only, and no one else has the right to tell you that you are doing it wrong.

 

Bisexuality means you can feel emotionally, physically, and romantically attracted to people of either gender. It doe not necessarily mean being equally attracted to both genders, as some bisexuals still have a preference for one over the other. You can find a pamphlet on bisexuality http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/publications-a-z/724?task=view. There are also some exercises you may want to try to help you determine if you are bisexual, such as considering who you feel attracted to: is Clair the only girl you've ever felt sexually attracted to? It is also possible for some people to consider themselves homosexual or heterosexual, but with a few very rare exceptions. Often this is described as having an emotional and romantic attraction to a person first, which develops into a physical attraction as a result of that. I think it is important to explore what you feel, and consider why you have those feelings.

 

However, don't forget that what is most important is being comfortable with who you are. Do not feel you have to change yourself to try to fit a label. You're doing an amazing thing by thinking about your sexuality and standing up for yourself when you don't feel like you have the support of your friend. Self understading is very important and can take you far in life, and having the courage to examine your sexuality instead of taking it for granted is very courageous of you.

 

Sincerely,


Trevor