Everyone at the Trevor Project cares about you and your well being. We are glad you could trust us with your feelings. Please accept our condolences on the loss of your boyfriend. Losing a loved one, your beloved, is a devastating event. Sudden deaths create a strong sense of shock. That loss is incredible.
Your feelings of deep sadness demonstrate the level of love you experienced. Your reaction is completely normal. Beyond the loss, you have been grieving the loss of your boyfriend privately. Since you were dating in secret while in high school, you have not been able to openly grieve your beloved. Publicly, you could only mourn a friend. Since you came out in college, the emotions have been emerging. That makes complete sense. You do not have to conceal the depth of feelings for your boyfriend, not only the love you experienced, but, also the depth of the loss. Perhaps, you are just begininng to allow yourself to expereince the full expression of this loss.
Eventhough some time has passed, emotions will emerge if not expressed. I know this is a painful, horrifically painful time. Yet, it is better to express those suppressed emotions. Mark, is there anyone with whom you can confide? Maybe a teacher, a school counselor, a close relative? Talking to someone will reduce the sense of isolation you have experienced while providing some support. Speaking to a counselor or therapist may help you grieve in a supported manner.
If you feel this may benefit you, please look into these resources. You could contact the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists by calling 215-222-2800 or by visiting their website at www.aglp.org for help in finding someone in your area .
The Center on Halsted may be a great resource for you. Look into their offerings. Mark, you are doing yourself a great service. You are reaching out for assistance. You are not alone. You do not have to grieve by yourself. There are communities of people that understand the depth of love and loss you have experienced. They will assist you. They will help you honor the loss of your boyfriend.
Know, you can always call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, (1-866-488-7386) ,24 hours 7 days a week. We are here if you need someone to listen.