im in my junor year of college and it has been 5 years since i lost the love of my life. we dated for 2 years in high school. i know that its a short time considering we were only in high school. i dont use the word love often and do not use it for everyone. we didnt break up he was actually killed in a car accident. when a drunk driver smashing into the drivers side of the car after dropping me off after our 2 year anniversary date. the hardest part for me is burrying my best friend who was my boyfriend. i didnt come out untill college. we dated privately. and it was a secret so on the day back to school after the accident everyone was sad because they said that we had all lost a friend. since coming out in college i have felt a range of emotions happiness with friends and hatred with some of my family. i have so many things on my mind that i just think about it all and think it might be for the best. college is making me in debt, i have friends who are annoyed with me. i dont talk to people i know because i dont want people to worry about me. i just feel like im alone. i have cried myself to sleep the last 2 weeks. i jst hate this feeling. when i wake up in the morning i dread leaving my bed. everyone at work always calls me a whore because they assume i sleep with everyone. but i just know a lot of people. im just sick of everything. i dont talk to people i know about this. and i thought i would ask the trevor project. i just need help i bottle everything up then explode. im at the near exploding point....i dont know what to do anymore...
Signed,
Mark, 20, Chicago IL

Mark,

 

Everyone at the Trevor Project cares about you and your well being. We are glad you could trust us with your feelings. Please accept our condolences on the loss of your boyfriend. Losing a loved one, your beloved, is a devastating event. Sudden deaths create a strong sense of shock. That loss is incredible.

 

Your feelings of deep sadness demonstrate the level of love you experienced. Your reaction is completely normal. Beyond the loss, you have been grieving the loss of your boyfriend privately. Since you were dating in secret while in high school, you have not been able to openly grieve your beloved. Publicly, you could only mourn a friend. Since you came out in college, the emotions have been emerging. That makes complete sense. You do not have to conceal the depth of feelings for your boyfriend, not only the love you experienced, but, also the depth of the loss. Perhaps, you are just begininng to allow yourself to expereince the full expression of this loss.

 

Eventhough some time has passed, emotions will emerge if not expressed. I know this is a painful, horrifically painful time. Yet, it is better to express those suppressed emotions. Mark, is there anyone with whom you can confide? Maybe a teacher, a school counselor, a close relative? Talking to someone will reduce the sense of isolation you have experienced while providing some support. Speaking to a counselor or therapist may help you grieve in a supported manner.

 

If you feel this may benefit you, please look into these resources. You could  contact the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists by calling 215-222-2800 or by visiting their website at www.aglp.org for help in finding someone in your area .

 

http://www.centeronhalsted.org/mentalhealth.html

 

The Center on Halsted may be a great resource for you. Look into their offerings. Mark, you are doing yourself a great service. You are reaching out for assistance. You are not alone. You do not have to grieve by yourself. There are communities of people that understand the depth of love and loss you have experienced. They will assist you. They will help you honor the loss of your boyfriend.

 

Know, you can always call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, (1-866-488-7386) ,24 hours 7 days a week. We are here if you need someone to listen.