I can't say I have one question. It seems everything is falling down on me now. I've known I was gay for almost 2 years I think. I had a best mate who I cared the world for. He passed this year. We've moved to the states and I am placed into a foreign world I can't stand. Before all this, I was nearing a point where I thought I would be comfortable starting to let others know who I am. That's over now. All I feel is pain now. I can't talk to anyone here. This is possibly the most homophobic place on earth. Even if there were I don't think I could expose myself to anyone to make them understand me. I don't expect to find any comfort in what response you may have for me. I'm not really sure now what I expect from this.
You have been dealing with a tremendous amount in a short period of time: the death of someone you love, processing your sexual orientation, moving and trying to adjust to a new country, as well as confronting the pain and destructive nature of homophobia. Given all of these issues, it is understandable that you’d feel overwhelmed and feel that everything is falling down on you.
It sounds as if prior to your move, you were becoming more comfortable with yourself and with the possibility of coming out, which demonstrates a lot of maturity on your part. Trying to process your sexual orientation in the presence of the intense homophobia that you describe can be extremely painful and cause you to want to shut down and hide who you are.
When you feel trapped in a place where homophobia is so prevalent, it can be difficult to see other options and possibilities, but they do exist. Though you said you don’t expect comfort from the response to your letter and are not sure what to expect, in reaching out to Dear Trevor, you demonstrate hope, the desire for support and the wish for things in your life to improve. Since you don’t feel safe to talk with someone in your current surroundings (you’re sure there’s not a teacher, counselor, or understanding adult around?), a good place to start would be the Trevor Helpline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor. Our helpline counselors are very knowledgeable about and sensitive to the process of coming out and facing the difficulties brought on by homophobia. In addition to being a source of support for you, the counselor might be able to locate gay resources for you in your area.
Please, Matt, don’t let the homophobes win. Continue to stand up for yourself—give us a call.