First of all, I really admire your work. You are really doing a great. I entirely support you, and I'm glad there is some people out there who are willing to help people in need.
And, and don't know if it's really the right place to post that message. But I'll give it a shot. Just hope that I don't waste your time.
As you may have noticed, I'm french, my english is far to be perfect, and I hope you will not have a hard time to understand me.
I'm 20 now, and for many years I've been struggling with my sexuality.
Here is the thing.
I'm a male, I thought that I was attracted be females. But as the time passed, I learned that even though I really liked girls, it was not... my thing. It was like, in a restaurant, eating dishes, but you know that what you are waiting for is the main course. And... my main course is not girls but... Oldmen. Ye, that might sound weird, but that's what I am. And the "funny" part is that I'm not attracted by boys of my age (there is some rare exceptions (maybe 2 or 3 who made me tick since I was born), but still not what I prefer).
I've known that, deep in my heart, for many years. But I've hidden it to myself. I wouldn't want to face it, it was too much... "abnormal" to be true.
But not longtime ago, I went to a foreign country, and I met a guy (62yo), who is actually the ex-boss of my cousin. And for the first time of my life I felt that I've trully fallen in love. It was not like the girl I hung out with, it was so much deeper, so much... everything.
It made me asking myself about my whole life, who I was, etc... I knew that I had to face it, to face what I've been affraid of for many years.
And I've been through the process of accepting myself for who I am. It has been the most painful months of my life. I've been drinking a lot, watched a lot of videos on youtube from other guys who was talking about homosexuality. I talked to some of my closest friends about all of it (even though I was so much affraid to lose them, thinking that they could take it really badly, but I got to a point that I really needed to take that risk, and fortunatly they have all been really supportive toward me (or at least I think so, maybe they just don't wanted to hurt me, and they think differently in my back... Am I a lil bit paranoid ? Ahah !), I even talked to a podcaster (an oldman), who broadcast for the radio called QTalk America, through facebook.
Now It's almost ok, but there is some new questions which appear in my mind. Something like... Will I find someone who I love and will love me in return ? Well I think so, but what then ? We would live 10-20 beautiful years together, then he might die... Will I be ok with knowing that ? Will I be able to move on and find someone else (I also hate to say that) ? If so, the same scenario might happen... I learned through the process I talked about earlier not to be pessimistic, but it looks like... I think you got my point, seems like I'll
never be entirely happy, and it's like I'm fighting even though I looks like it's worthless. And I don't mean to sound like a whiner.
Beside that, I started to go to some internet homosexual chats / forums. I met there a bunch of really nice people, but... I don't feel like I fit in. And neither I fit in the heterosexual community.
So, I'm kinda lost. I don't really know who I am, and what I have to consider myslef as (homo, bisexual, other ?).
Well, I probably didn't explain the way I would do it in french (which would have been a lot better for me: easier, with more details and explained more precisely), but I hope it was ok. Thank you, whoever you are who read me, for having taken time to do so.
This is not urgent, I'm not willing or have any thoughts about committing suicide ( not anymore), make sure you take care of people who really need to. I hope I haven't said something rude, If that's the case, just know that I didn't mean to.
Again, Thank you so much for all of what you are doing !
Thank you for writing and sharing your story with us. Also, your English is quite good, almost perfect, actually. Something for which you can be proud, as mastering more than one language is an accomplishment. It also must feel great to have friends who support you and are understanding. That in itself is a major hurdle with lots of people.
It's also good that you are so comfortable with yourself, even if you aren't quite sure what your tastes are exactly. But that's ok, as you are who you are. Kinsey felt that we are all points somewhere on or between totallly gay and totally straight. Personally, I think our sexuality is actually a segment of that line, which is why some people can shift their sexual preferences from one area of interest to another. This helps explain how bisexuality works for some. Just remember that our sexual nature involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of one or both genders. If older men are where your true feelings are, then that's the way you are. And yes, ir you enter into a long term relationship with an older person, odds are in the favor of you outliving your partner. But you could look at it this way, all sorrow and grief aside, you will have the opportunity to possibly have more than one great love of your life. Those who are so privileged enough as to find more than ONE person in the world to love is truly blessed indeed! Plus, you aren't always going to be young, as eventually you too will be an "older" person. I'd say you shouldn't worry about it, and instead concentrate on what makes you happy.
And should you ever need to write again, don't hesitate in dropping an email to us. It was a delight to read your post, and I know you will do well in your life. And on behalf of all of us here at the Trevor Project, we thank you for your kind words about our efforts.
The Trevor Project