Hi Trevor !
First of all, I'm sorry that my English is not the best, but I'm still learning.
Secondly, I really think that this project is amazing in so many ways.
THank you for that.
I don't live in USA, and in my country there's not many communities and helpful projects, but there are some and some of them are really good, although I'm not active in any of them.
Recently I'm struggling alot with my identity. I don't know what and who I am. I don't have any history in relationships with boys or girls, so it's really hard for me to know. And also I don't have someone to talk to. My family is supportive & I think that if I'll find out that I'm lesbian, bi or anything else- they will support me.
But I don't know if I should talk to anyone about this, because I'm not sure at anything.
Since I was a child I always had hard times on my lifes, especially on school and society. I'm a closed person.
This year I'm going to high school for the first time. I'll know most of the people in there, but I always felt that I don't have real friends in there. I don't have friends that I can talk with them about everything and to feel free and comfort with them.
Also I feel that the thing that I have always been very good at then are taken away from me. The most important thing is dance. I'm dancing for 7 years in a dance group that I love with all of my heart, and recently I feel that I'm losing my talent and my touch at dancing. This makes me sad, because until now I thought that dancing is my only future, and now I don't know what to think anymore.
For many years, I feel like everything just goes wront in my life.
Few days ago I hurt my body, and nobody noticed because I have a lot of stings on my legs. It hurt for few days but I put a band aid on it so that doesn't hurt at all, so I don't regret it at all.
I'n the nights, when I lay in my bed, I'm thinking of ways to hurt myself and to suicide.
I really don't know what to do.
I hate my life.
I hate myself- my body, my personality, my dance and writing skills.
I blame no one but myself for my life being the way they are.
I have no desire to live.
I have nothing to live for.
I'm just a waste of space, time and air.
Thank you for reading this.
Keep doing amazing things, don't ever stop.
Tel Aviv T
YOU are not a waste of space, time or air. No. You are a young woman emerging as an individual adult. That is not an easy transition. Everyone goes through a period of discovery regarding their sexuality. That is a normal, natural part of growing into adulthood. "questioning is a perfectly normal part of that process. Neta, it is OK to have questions, to be unsure about your sexuality. That is completely normal. In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about who you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with girls, boys or both. On www.bisexual.org you'll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then "Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG" you can find information that may help. On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=730&Itemid=177 you'll find the brochure "I Think I Might Be Lesbian...Now What Do I Do?" which may help you with your questions about your sexuality. WHereever your sexuality lies, it is a normal part of your humanity. There are people who are attracted to their own gender. There are people who are attracted to the opposite gender. And, there are people who are attracted to both genders. Fom the contents of your letter, you may be experiencing a sense of depression. When you’re depressed, it can be very painful to feel and can make you isolate from your friends and family, cause you to be tired all the time and take away your motivation to do things, make you not enjoy the things you usually like to do, make you sleep and eat much less or much more than usual, and make you see everything in your life in a negative way. Sometimes the depression can get so bad it can make a person think of ending their life. Sometimes people think about ending their life when they're feeling very depressed, feel hopeless that things will get better and helpless to make things better in their life. On www.us.reachout.com you'll find facts about depression by clicking on “struggles with feelings.” On www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm you can learn more about depression and its treatment. KNow, there is treatment for depression. http://awiderbridge.org/category/partners/
This is a link to some LGBT youth organization in Israel. Check into organizations that have resources for mental health and counseling. Being evaluated by a health care professinal, a psychologist, atherapist or a counselor, can better inform you. Neta, many people engage in self-harming behavior, like cutting, when confornted with immense stress. It's important for you to know that cutting may help you to feel better briefly but the longer it goes on, the more dangerous it can become as it can cause permanent scars, infections and serious, and sometimes life threatening medical problems especially if you cut a major blood vessel. It can also cause you to feel shame, guilt, depressed and out of control.
If you feel like cutting, there are lots of ways to help yourself feel better without putting yourself at risk. Think about how you feel before and after you cut yourself. If cutting helps to release anger, you might try getting the anger out in another way like hitting a pillow, stomping around in heavy shoes, ripping up an old newspaper or flattening aluminum cans. If cutting helps you when you’re sad, do whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted. That may be listening to certain songs, calling a friend or eating a favorite food. Sometimes, writing in a journal or drawing/painting helps a person to feel better. For some people, doing something physical like running outdoors or yoga can help relieve stress. If the cutting helps you to feel less numb, do something that creates a sharp physical feeling like putting your hand briefly in ice water or stamp your feet on the ground). There are websites available including www.safe-alternatives.com and http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm that can help you learn about cutting as well as additional things you can do when you have the urge to cut. FInding some support is important. Do you have an adult, maybe a teacher, a clsoe realtive, someone wiht whom you can confide? TAlking will reduce the stress you feel wjile providing some support. Again, check for LGBT youth organizations with peer groups, mentor programs. THere are great accepting peole that will help you through this tough time. The challenge is finding these communities and connecting with them. Neta, if you ever feel you may act on suicdal thughts, call emergency services or get to a hospital. Your immediate safety is curucial in those dark moments. KNow, everyone at the TRevor Project cares about you and your well being. ANd, there are people closer to home who can provide you some in person support as well. IF you need someone to talk to, try trevorspace.org. Trevorspace, at www.trevorspace.org, is the Trevor Project's safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It's a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality and identity. Neta, you may be experiencing "growing pains". You are emerging. You are shedding your skin. You are expanding. Know we are here if you need us. Feel free to write again if you need further assistance.