Dear trevor, my names nicolas and im 14, im gay and cant handle life, at school everyone knows im gay and at least everyday i'll get called a 'faggot' or people will make gay jokes and laugh at me when i walk past, i dont really get on with the popular people with school so not many people like me, i have a few friends and yeah. i dont really have anyone to talk to i mean i dont know any adults or peers that are gay and i dont feel good. i feel like a freak i dont feel good about myself and i mostly i feel like a failure, a failure to my friends, my parents and to myself being myself is so hard, its kind of easier just to cover things up and i dont want to go through, i started watching all these trevor projects like at the end of last year and it made me happy but i cant wait and i cant take, i dont like myself let alone no on even likes me i dont know what i do to make people hate me or tease me i usually mind my own buisness, i try to be as hidden and sneaky as possible at school so no-one notices me but they do they'll laugh and say really mean things i laugh along because i cant really say anything back or i'll get bashed. I get upset and depressed very easily, my parents and family dont like gay people my dad will call gay guys faggots and i know he doesnt like them same as my brother and every other male i know, i just dont want to live like i know my life in the future will be miserable so i dont have anything to live for latley i've been thinking it would be so much easier and people would be so much happier if i wernt he i was dead no-one would care and it would make people happy sometimes i feel like over dosing on medication or hanging myself in my room i somtimes cry myself to sleep and yeah i just dont know what to do and i just need someone to talk to i dont want to do anything stupid im just so confused and angry ...
Thank you for taking the time to write to us at The Trevor Project. I would like to start off by saying, my friend, that you are a good, normal and valuable person. Your friends at the Trevor Project and especially I would sincerely appreciate your taking the time to reconsider any self-hurt or destruction and realize that although it really seems hard right now, things will only improve with time and patience. I understand that the cruel things that people say can cause you to feel on the edge and fear for your safety and angry and confused. This is especially hard when you feel the cruel, unkind words coming from people you are close to and who you feel should be protecting you from the harshness instead of contributing to it. Because you feel isolated where you are, meaning not knowing anyone who is gay, finding a safe, kind place can appear to be rather difficult and far away. It also sounds like you're in a place where it is difficult being yourself and expressing yourself. I am truly sorry to hear about these things that are eating away at you, making you feel down and helpless. Having said all that, Nicolas, I would like to address a few things and ask you to consider them. You are at an age when your body and mind are going through alot of changes. This not only applies to you, but to your school-mates and anyone who is around your age. These changes include very often emotional eruptions and sensations that will seem overwhelming. These heavy emotional feelings are part of the reason that you may feel very sensitive to what people say or what you hear people say. This does not lessen the feelings, I know; but because your mind and body are more vulnerable to the process of maturing and experiencing puberty, the feelings you have are quite often magnified. I wanted to talk about that, because once these changes you're experiencing settle down a bit then quite a bit of the heavy emotional feelings that go along with that will also calm down a bit. Your school mates are also going through these physical and mental changes and it's really tough for anyone to deal with. Unfortunately, for many, with these changes comes other emotional extremes, such as anger and feelings of aggression. When people feel overly aggressive, then anyone in their way can get clobbered and wrecked. Because gay people have very often been the butt of bullying, it is more likely that we will get the focus of those unwanted, mean treatment. Soon enough, even for those bullying people, the focus will change as people become more civilized with their feelings. Have you ever heard of the It Gets Better Project? I recommend for you to also check out these stories about people who have suffered the emotional thorns like yourself: http://http://www.itgetsbetter.org/. What I can tell you is that things do get better and is not forever. Self destruction is not the answer to any of this; and I'd like for you to know that out in the big world, including Australia!, there are places and people who love and accept people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual and also transgendered. By the way, do you think that your parents and brothers know that you're gay and yet continue to say cruel things about people like us? In many cases, Nicolas, parents and siblings grow up with a gay person in the family and either don't see it or don't admit to it. If this is the case with your family, they may say mean things about gay people and use bad words, but are not necessarily directed at the person they love. With all the mean things we hear people say, we can easily take it personally, even when someone isn't speaking to us directly. We mustn't overwhelm ourselves with what we think that people are saying or doing. Reality, such as what you describe, is that people can actually direct their barbs to us and that does hurt. A web-site that you may find helpful is all about families learning to live with and love their gay child or friend. It's called PFLAG, or Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays: http://pflag.org.
I hope that you'll be a trooper about it, Nicolas. It does seem like a desperate time, but you are welcome to talk to us here at The Trevor Project, and I especially recommend signing up for Trevor Space, which is a social network of people who are like you and have had many of the same experiences as you. Go to the Trevor Project web site and you'll see a link for the Trevor Space. There are some local resources in your area: http://www.opendoors.net.au/?page_id=257 and http://www.twenty10.org.au/.
You are always welcome to send us your questions, Nicolas, and know that you are loved and supported.
Your Friends at The Trevor Project