My name is Ricardo and Im 17... I have always new that I was different from any other boy from a very short age... I did not like things the other boys did and I can say I was fascinated with more "girly" things... When I grew up I just realised that I could not feel attracted to girls like any other boy... Instead I felt attracted to boys. I realised that I was thinking of them, that I liked boys. Th e thing is that I did not to think of that, but when I was 16, I realised that I could not avoid it and I had to deal with the possibility that I am gay... I have never been in a relationship before, but I think that we just know what we are... I mean that I started dealing with the fact that I'm gay for one or one and a half year, but I think I always knew when I was 4 or 5... I think that I was just afraid to admitt that I'm different in a very conservative world where everyone hate "fags", even God! I could not stand all that pain so I made myself believe that I was never born , that I am a spirit thing! Like a ghost! Now I realise that what I experienced was Depersonalisation Disorder (DPD). I still sometimes think that what Happens to me does not really happen to me but just for 1 or 2 seconds... Even now that I got over DPD. One day I woke up and I told myself that I could not live that way anymore... I started accepting that I was born that way... I knew I am gay and everything felt right about saying that. The thing is that a friend of mine told me that she thought I fell in love with a girl and that I seemed so happy when she was around and such things... So, I am so confused now. I don't know who I am, but I feel that I am gay. My mission in life. Was I really in love with her? My life sucks! It is like when I realised who I am, what she said made it more complex. Everytime I start realising who I am something happens... I can't get it anymore... I cannot go on with my life... The only thing I am sure about is that I would like I was never born. I wish I could disappear... I wish I could die... I cannot believe that life is so unfair... Why some people have it all and some other not even just the love they deserve? Cause we are all human beings and every one deserves to be loved... I am just 17 and i feel like 97! I just need somebody to love, someone that loves me unconditionally... It is horrible to know that even my family would reject me! That they do not really love me, but just love what they think I am or they would like I was... I have nobody... I am on my own . The last thing left to me is God who I was always said hates people like me. I don't wannna feel like a miasma. How can something I was not asked about be a sin? Do the people think that if I had the chance to choose, I would choose to live that way? Pretending that I am happy?Putting on my mask every single day full of fear that it could just fall anytime? People think I am happy just because I am clever and have good marks. But, nobody knows what is inside me... That the pain seduces me, does not make me able to breath. The pain destroys me! Why Me? Please help me! Just say something! Good or bad. It doesn't really matter! But just say something.
What an amazing letter. Intelligent...Thoughtful...Honest... Provocative.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Everyone oges through a period of discovery regrading their sexuality. Having questions is part of that process. Ricardo, you do not have to have relationship experience to have a sense of your sexuality. In trying to understand your sexuality, it might help to remember that sexual orientation involves emotional, romantic as well as physical feelings and attraction for people of both genders (bisexual), people of the same gender (lesbian and gay), and people of the opposite gender (heterosexual or straight). It can also help to think about who you have crushes on and who you fantasize about being with girls, boys or both
On http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=726&Itemid=336 you'll find the brochure "I Think I Might Be Gay...Now What Do I Do?" On www.bisexual.org you'll find a lot of helpful information on bisexuality. If you click on resources, then bisexuality-general information, then "Bisexuality 101 from PFLAG" you can find information that may help. PFLAG’s (Parents, Families & Friends Of Lesbians & Gays) “Be Yourself: Questions for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Youth” at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Be_Yourself_TT.pdf can be of further help as you try to understand your sexual orientation/gender identity. Remember that there's no rush to figure this out. Follow your crushes, your fantasies. They will inform you. Trevorspace, at www.trevorspace.org, is the Trevor Project's safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It's a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality. There are many types of love. Our language use one word, LOVE, to describe a number of loving realtionships. The Greeks have at least four different words for love. SO, you can love someone without being lovers; love for a freind, love for your family, love of your fellow man. If you are gay, you do not have to choose your sexuality or a religious life. There are congregations that accept everyone as they are. To learn about the Biblical scriptures that teach compassion and support for gay people, you might consider reading through the numerous guides on Soulforce’s “Resources” webpage at www.soulforce.org and also reading the PFLAG guide “Faith in our Families: Parents, Families and Friends Talk About Religion and Homosexuality” at http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/FaithinourFamilies.pdf..” If you'd like to read more about various opinions regarding faith and sexual orientation, there is also a great resource online called The Institute for Welcoming Resources at http://www.welcomingresources.org/. It is the most comprehensive and up to date website devoted to providing religious and faith based resources for the LGBTQ community. RIcardo, this is a difficult time. BUt, the world needs people like you. You are so thoughful in your words. You are so insightful. You raise some empassioned comments. And, you find wisdom in the process. Know you are not alone. If you ever need someone to listen, do not hesitate to call the Trevor lifeline at 1-866-4-U-Trevor, 24 hours 7 days a week. It is OK to be scared. It is OK to be unsure. You do not have to tough it out. You are not alone. DO you have a tursted adult, maybe a close realtive , a teacher, someone with whom you can confide? Talking will help reduce the sense of isolation while clarifying your thoughts. I can understand not beng able to continue with the mask. But, you can contiue, without the mask. You and your life are bigger, MUCH bigger than that mask. That is why this is painful. You are breaking through the confines of that mask. Your spirit is expanding. It cannot be contained. You are coming into your own. This is wonderous work, RIcardo. And, again, you do not have to do this alone. Reach out for support. Trevorspace, at www.trevorspace.org, is the Trevor Project's safe, online social networking site for LGBTQ young people ages 13 to 24 their friends and allies. It's a great supportive community where you can connect with others who might have had or are having the same questions that you’re having about your sexuality. We are here for you, whenever you need us.