I'm a lesbian and although that is not the topic of this, that might have some importance. I've just been feeling lately that I don't really have much control over myself now, like hurting myself, which I try never to do. I feel very ashamed when I do it, so I try never to do it. But sometimes I do it because I’ve felt like I haven't had control over myself or my emotions and that’s why I can't keep myself from it. I just really want to be able to not hurt myself, and have control over myself so I don't just one time forget all my reasons not to do that stuff, and do it again.
I am not clear about what you mean when you talk about “hurting” yourself. But if you regularly feel so out of control—for whatever reason—and that the only way you feel you can gain some control is by hurting yourself (in any way), this is a serious situation. I strongly encourage you to speak with a responsible adult about what you are going through. If you do not feel you can speak with a parent, is there a school counselor or trusted teacher you could speak to? There might be some relationship for you between being a lesbian and feeling like you do not have control over your emotions, but if it is not safe for you to come out to others about your sexuality, you do not need to. But you should let a responsible adult know that you have been hurting yourself. The important thing right now is for you to get some help from a counselor so you can stop the self-harm and start understanding better why you feel the way you do. In the meantime, you can always call our toll-free helpline, 1-866-4-U-TREVOR, to speak directly with a trained listener about what you are going through. Please do not continue to struggle on your own with these feelings.