I'm currently going through my parents divorce and deep depression. Kids make fun of me for "acting" different... I guess I do... But I don't know.. I've been bullied ever since I was in 1st grade. I'm in 10th grade now and it's just getting worse... Being home-schooled, it doesn't seem like it'd be a big deal. But I still have weekly activities I HAVE to go to on Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays... I have, literally, no one to talk to about who I am. I feel so alone.. I want to come out to my mom so badly, but just the other day, we saw a gay couple in a restaurant and she started making fun of them and making them sound "horrible and vile" and being Christian, she thinks God will "smite" them. I'm assuming that means she thinks all gays are going to hell? I don't know what she means by "smite". It scares me a lot to think of what she'd say. I can't come out to my dad. He shows major favoritism to my sister and I don't want him to act worse to me than he already does. He's the reason my parents are getting divorce. Because he would be so emotionally / mentally abusive to my mom and I since I was born. I feel like I'm unwanted and useless.. I don't know what to do anymore. I get by day to day, but it just gets worse. The bullying, the depression, the loneliness. I want it to be over so badly! I don't want to live in the world I live in anymore. It hurts too badly.. I know there are kids / people that have it worse than me and I feel selfish because I'm "complaining" or something.. I've been told I shouldn't worry about myself and I should help others... But by now, I can't even function correctly, let alone help others.. What do I do? I can't go to anything that supports gays... My parents will never drive me anywhere near those places..
Thank you for writing during such a difficult time. It must have been really hard to verbalize everything you are feeling. This sounds like an incredibly rough time for you. I see you have your mom, dad and sister at home with you. And I can tell that you really want to be able to come out to your mom, but you feel that your mom won't accept you for you because of the comment she made towards a gay couple out in public. That must have been really hard to stomach, especially with being in the closet. I am also sorry to hear that your parents are getting divorced. That is never positive experience.
I want you to know that you are not alone. Everyone at the Trevor Project genuinely cares about you and we will do whatever we can to figure out what’s best for you!
During this emotional time, it would be really great to find someone you can trust and confide in on a regular basis. I understand that you have had issues with bullying. It is never fair for bullies to pick on anybody and you don't deserve to be treated that way. When you go on those weekly activities and kids start to bully you, tell the supervisor or an adult. If these activities are coordinated at a school, there should be a counselor on the premises. Find out his/her hours and try to get in to see him/her. Counselors have great advice that might help you through all this. I would also suggest to sign up for TrevorSpace here at the Trevor Project. It is a social networking service where you can connect with other LGBTQ youth. That would be a great step in finding people to talk to. It is totally secure and monitored so there is no bullying. Also, if you find yourself in a really rough crisis and you need to talk to someone right away, please DO NOT hesitate to call the TrevorLIFELINE at 18004UTREVOR. We are here 24/7 to take your call.
I also want to talk to you about coming out. It is never simple to come out. It is a process and sometimes it can take a long time. It is really important that you consider all the consequences in doing so. Realistically, its not always a positive experience and young people feel they need to come out in order to be proud in their sexual orientation. Sometimes it is not the best case for a particular individual, though. Really think about if this is what you want to do. I understand you need someone to talk to about all these pent up feelings and emotions and sexually charged ideations, but there are other risks associated. You had mentioned that your mother seemed negative towards the couple in the restaurant. Do you feel that she might kick you our or reject you if she was to find out? You may want to wait and really consider how she might react. Try to find someone you can talk to who might be able to mediate a "coming out" discussion with your mom. It might help to have someone there to help pacify your mom's reactions. Have you thought about trusting your sister? Maybe she could help.
I am sorry that your dad is abusive towards your mom. A lot of things can go on between parents and as the child, its hard to fully understand what is going on. Parents can get angry and say really bad things and sometimes it is better that they get a divorce. Sometimes they just can't live together. During times like these and you are feeling really down, everything seems kind of pointless and everyone seems to not give a damn. Ty, it really does get better. Things aren't always as they seem. Depression will lift, I guarantee it. The fact that you had come here for help and guidance, means a whole lot to us and it should to you. You care. That is really important. You care about you! You should. You are a very smart individual and you have the potential to do great things! You care a lot of about your family and they are lucky to have you as a child. I am sure they recognize it. Sometimes parents don't always show it, but they usually really do care. With time you will find the perfect moment to expose your sexual identity to them. Maybe today is not the right time. If you are unsure, it is better to wait it out. Just watch and listen for the perfect opportunity. It can be hard for parents to adjust to something of this nature, so give them some time and if you ever feel in danger the best thing to do is go to the nearest emergency room or call 911. Don't ever let people take away your right to be safe and healthy. You are worth it!
So Ty, try to find someone you can talk to. Maybe there’s another family member or a friend or even another teen on TrevorSpace. Talking will always help! Writing in a journal can help to. Anything to express yourself will help take your mind off your family life. You could listen to music, play a sport, or join a club. If you ever need to talk, utilize the Lifeline or TrevorChat. Maybe you can find someone at your church as well. I understand religious organizations can have strong views against homosexuality, but there are people out there who do actually understand. I am going to leave you with a few more resources and things to consider. I hope these help and we wish you the best of luck, Ty.