It's not so much a question, but a problem I have that I need advice on. I am a male who is in love with my best friend who is also a male and who happens to be straight. I approached him before about being with me, but politely, he declined. That was before we were best friends. The fact that he would be my best friend in this day and age made me, and makes me, very happy. Recently, as much as I’ve tried to hide them, I have let my feelings for him get in the way of our friendship—he’s quite upset that my feelings for him interfere with the friendship. When I say interfere, I mean that I try and act more like a significant other than a friend. I really didn't notice this until he confronted me about it. He informed me that it was getting out of hand and ridiculous and that if I didn't act like a friend, and continued with acting like a significant other, that he would have to spend some time away from me. As much as I believe this to be a good idea, so I can get myself together, I also believe that I will eventually feel the same way again. I try and go out as much as I can, but am busy with school and work. In the end, the only person I really spend time with is him. I have had feelings for him for the past year and I know there can never be a relationship with him.
I don't know what to do. I constantly think about just ending life because I feel like I can't go on without him, even though deep inside I know I can. I believe I have tried everything I can to stop these feelings for him. I need your help and advice so that I can figure out what to do. As much as I want to end my life I know from past experience that I can not do that. I will be grateful for anything that you can do to help me.
Being in love with someone who doesn't return those same feelings can be really painful, distressing and heartbreaking. When that pain leads to thoughts of ending your life, as you describe, it is very concerning. Though you know “deep inside” that you are able to go on without your friend, and know from past experience that you can't end your life, your level of despair sounds pretty severe. Have you shared the seriousness of your depression with your family? Do you think speaking with a counselor might help you get through this difficult period?
It sounds like you and your friend have developed a very close friendship which has become very important to the both of you. While we can't control what we feel for someone, we can work on managing how we express and act on those feelings. It's very healthy that despite your feelings, you're aware that there can never be a romantic relationship with your friend.
You mentioned that your friend is the only person with whom you really spend time. Time away from him may help you to figure out a way to continue the friendship without crossing the boundary that your friend has set. In addition, it would be healthier for you to not make him the sole focus of your time. Being away from him may open you up to additional friendships and to young men who are open to the possibility of a romantic relationship. You would be surprised at how quickly the intense feelings for an unrequited love can lessen once one finds someone who returns those feelings! To that end, the people at The Trevor Helpline (866.4.U.TREVOR that’s 866.488.7386) may be able to give you referrals to gay resources in your area. They may also be able to help you find a counselor so that you can further discuss your anguish and your suicidal thoughts.
In the end, William, know that the unrequited love you are experiencing is something that probably the majority of people—gay and straight—experience at some point in their lives. It’s intense and it hurts, but it will pass—especially if you work hard to invest your energies in other people and outlets.