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There are a lot of different ways someone can express their gender or sex.
Gender identity isn’t an easy topic to understand, and sometimes we need to unlearn some old ideas so we can really get what gender is all about. Most of us were taught that there are only two genders (man/masculine & woman/feminine) and two sexes (male & female). However, there is a lot more to it than that.
What is Gender?
Gender is a social construct, an idea created by people to help categorize and explain the world around them. You may not notice it all the time, but each gender comes with a set of expectations, like how to act, talk, dress, feel emotion, and interact with other people. For example, when you think of a teenage boy living in the United States, what comes to mind? Do you imagine him playing football, or do you picture him dancing in a ballet recital? It’s likely that you imagined him playing football first — but why?
In the United States, we have very defined gender roles that describe what it means to be a boy or a girl, a man or a woman, and we learn what’s expected of us at a very early age. Even though these expectations are made up — there’s no reason why boys shouldn’t be encouraged to practice ballet, for example — gendered characteristics, activities, expressions, and stereotypes are really ingrained in our society, and shape most of our lives.
Here are some other gender-specific constructed differences that you may recognize: young girls often get pink clothes, and boys get blue clothes; women are deemed overemotional and men are discouraged from crying; a deep voice is considered masculine while a high voice is feminine; boys should play with building blocks and girls should play with dolls; men are athletic and aggressive, women are nurturing and gentle… the list of expectations based on gender can go on and on, and changes from culture to culture.
In reality, gender roles aren’t set in stone. Even though our society expects certain things from certain people, we don’t have to conform. Rather than on a binary (only two ways of being), gender and sex exist on a spectrum, meaning that there are a lot of different ways that people can express their gender identity or sex.
Pronouns 101
You may not realize it, but we use pronouns all the time. Quick grammar lesson: a pronoun is a word that is used instead of a noun. Pronouns can also be an important part of affirming and respecting a person’s gender identity.
It’s important not to assume a person’s pronouns. He, she, or they could all refer to the same individual.
For example:
He is going to the store to buy apples.
Those apples are his.
She is going to the store to buy apples.
Those apples are hers.
They are going to the store to buy apples.
Those apples are theirs.
They/them/theirs are pronouns commonly used by folks who don’t feel that pronouns like he or she best reflect their identity. Someone could also use a combination of pronouns: he/they. She/they. He/she or they. You may have also heard of pronouns like “ze/zim/zer,” “ey/em,” and “it” which are sometimes referred to as “neo-pronouns.” Being referred to with the correct pronouns is really important to a person’s sense of self and mental health.
You might think using “they/them” pronouns to refer to an individual is grammatically incorrect — but it actually isn’t. In fact, you probably use they/them all the time. For example, if you found someone’s wallet on the ground, you probably wouldn’t say, “Someone lost his or her wallet!” You would more likely say, “I need to find the person who lost their wallet.” Side note: major authors like Shakespeare and Emily Dickinson often used “they/them” in a singular way in their work.
Let’s talk about using pronouns properly:
A good start is to always introduce yourself with your name and pronouns. This signals to others that you know pronouns are important and that you don’t want to make assumptions.
Remember people’s pronouns, and use them correctly. If you make a mistake, the best thing you can do is make a quick apology, correct yourself, and move on.
If you accidentally use the wrong pronouns, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. If you find that you have been regularly misgendering someone, it’s important to address the mistake. You can apologize simply, like “I’m sorry for misgendering you earlier.” But make sure not to over-apologize, explain yourself, or make excuses.
Remember people use pronouns differently. When someone uses multiple pronouns, try to use all of those pronouns equally unless they have a preference.
Pronouns are about affirming someone’s identity. It’s about seeing people for who they are and meeting them wherever they are at.
Remember, using the correct pronouns is important for affirming LGBTQ+ young people. They’re just words, but words with big impact.
While this is a complex topic, this is the main takeaway: respecting pronouns should be easy. It’s a simple way to show you care about the people in your life. It’s not about enforcing an ideology; It’s about unconditionally respecting a person’s identity. Using the correct pronouns is a simple way to say I see you. I care about you. You deserve to be affirmed always.
Content
- What is the difference between Gender and Sex?
- Understanding Transphobia
- Intersex Identities
- Frequently Asked Questions
- Resources
What is the difference between Gender and Sex?
When we are born, a doctor assigns us a sex. This has to do with our biology, chromosomes, and physical body. Male babies are generally labeled as boys and female babies are generally labeled as girls. But even sex is more complex than that — and it really exists on a spectrum. Intersex individuals have physical sex traits or reproductive anatomy that are present at birth or emerge spontaneously later in life, and differ from normative expectations of “male” and “female.”
Some people never question their assigned gender or sex, and choose to identify with what they were assigned at birth — that’s called being “cisgender.” But there are others who do question their gender or sex, and that’s completely normal and ok.
If you don’t feel that your gender identity — meaning, your own personal sense of what your gender is — matches the gender you were assigned at birth, you might identify as transgender (or trans). And like sex is an expansive and complex spectrum, so is gender.
What does nonbinary mean?
Nonbinary genders, like genderfluid, genderqueer, polygender, bigender, and many others, are genders that exist outside of the male/female/man/woman binary. It’s important to note that not all nonbinary folks identify as trans, but may share many of the same experiences as trans folks.
Are you questioning your gender and aren’t sure what feels right to you? It’s okay. You are not alone! Consider a few of these questions:
- How do you feel about your birth gender?
- What gender do you wish people saw you as?
- How would you like to express your gender?
- What pronouns (like he/him or she/hers, or ze/zir or they/them) do you feel most comfortable using?
- When you imagine your future, what gender are you?
There are many aspects of someone’s gender:
Gender Expression: The way in which people present or express their gender, including physical appearance, clothing, hairstyles, and behavior. People can exert a certain degree of control over their gender expression depending on their resources and environment.
Gender Identity: Our personal sense of what our own gender is.
Perceived Gender: How the world sees and understands your gender.
If you decide that your current gender or sex just isn’t right for you, you may want to make your gender identity fit with your ideal gender expression and presentation. This is called transitioning, and can include social (like telling other people about which pronouns you like), legal (like changing your name), or medical (like taking hormones or having surgery).
Some folks might choose to transition in only some aspects of their life. Some folks may receive gendering affirming care while others may not. None of these steps are necessary, and people should be allowed to figure out what works best for themselves in their exploration of gender. You don’t have to go through all of these things to be “officially” trans, or to have your gender identity be valid. It’s all up to you, and what feels safe and comfortable.
Terms and labels are important when talking about the trans community. While there are some general guidelines to follow, terms and labels are often unique to individuals and it is always best to check with someone about how they identify and which terms they prefer to use to describe themselves.
Below are some general guidelines and common terms:
- You may see the term trans shortened with an asterisk (*) to include the many identities that fall under the trans umbrella.
- The term “transgender” should only be used as an adjective and never as a noun (i.e. “My friend is transgender” vs. “My friend is a transgender.”)
- A more often-used term is simply “trans.”
- The term “transgendered” is grammatically incorrect and should never be used.
- Some trans people identify as transsexual, although others consider it to be outdated. Always ask for, and use, the term that a person prefers.
Understanding Transphobia
Trans people often face hatred or fear just because of who they are. Even some cisgender LGBQ people may have transphobic feelings that can make it harder for them to support trans people as they also fight for equality and acceptance.
If you ever feel that you are a victim of a transphobic hate crime, please consult the Transgender Legal Defense & Education Fund.
Intersex Identities
Sex is entirely distinct from gender, something that is determined by our biology and physical characteristics. As mentioned before, sex is typically thought of in the binary of male and female. In actuality, people’s genetics and bodies are much more complex than that. Still, many intersex people are assigned a sex of male or female at birth, even if they are more somewhere in the middle.
If you think you might be intersex, please know you are not alone. Visit the Intersex Society of North America’s website for resources and information that may help you.
Talking About Intersex Folks
Intersex is an adjective that describes a person. It is never a noun or a verb, because no one can be “intersexing” or “intersexed.”
You may have heard the word “hermaphrodite” from Greek mythology. Like certain words used to refer to the trans community, this term is considered archaic and offensive to intersex people. Still, always ask for, and use, the term that a person prefers.
Additional Resources for Understanding Gender Identity
Gender Identity
- Diversity of Youth Gender Identity
- Genderqueer Identities
- Gender Spectrum
- The Gender Book
- Students and Gender Identity Guide for Schools (USC Rossier’s, online MSC program)
Intersexuality
- Inter/Act: A youth group for young people with intersex conditions or DSD
- OII Intersex Network
- American Psychological Association: What does intersex mean?
Transgender
- Trans Student Educational Resources
- Advocates for Youth: I Think I Might Be Transgender
- Trans Youth Family Allies
- WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health)
- TransWhat? A Guide Towards Allyship
- Resources for Transgender College Students
The Trevor Project is the leading suicide prevention organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning (LGBTQ) young people.
We provide 24/7 crisis services for LGBTQ young people via a phone lifeline, text, and chat. We also operate innovative research, advocacy, public training, and peer support programs.
